High School Scored Sample Essays with Annotations from ..., Study notes of Voice

Download High School Scored Sample Essays with Annotations from ... and more Study notes Voice in PDF only on Docsity! KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 156 Appendices Revised November 2009 Appendix F: High School Scored Sample Essays with Annotations from 2009 KWA These pre-scored writing samples can be used to refresh training for scorers using the 6- TRAIT model. Annotations are provided that suggest the thinking and rationale that was used in determining a score for each trait and also suggestions for improvement that model the kind of feedback and instruction teachers might provide to their students on classroom assignments to help drive student revision. Additionally, the quick reference chart on page 184 also lists the 6-TRAIT scores for these essays. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 157 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #91 High school sports The world is filled with a numerous amount of student athletes that could somewhere down the road have a bright future. Being a student athlete comes with a lot of adult-like responsibilities, high school years are when they are coming closer to being on their own. Playing the sport that you love or want to attend in your high school days are a privilege, not a right. By me saying that, I am stating that grades come first before any event that you are trying to do at your high school. If a student can’t get it together and get in done in the classroom, they will not be eligible for that sport. I honestly believe that what is known to me as the grades before play policy helps high school students out in the classroom tremendously. The fact that students know if their grades aren’t were they need to be helps push students to work harder and keep their heads in the books, in my opinion. A lot of schools are starting to get very strict on suspending athletes for a certain amount of time or events for not having their grades where they need to be at their grade check point. If the athlete really has love for the sport they are attending they wouldn’t want to be in the position of getting suspended from the sport they like and get it done in the classroom. It shouldn’t matter how good the athlete is, they shouldn’t be cut any slack for their fault on their school work. The future for these students are far more important then a couple of touchdowns, a couple of baskets or even a couple of spikes and swings. It wont matter what they did in that event in high school if their grade point average isn’t were it needs to be. No college will except any student if their GPA isn’t were it needs to be at the end of their senior year. If a student is getting suspended for events in his high school years, what will convince a coach that the same thing won’t happen in college? Colleges don’t want to waste all their time on someone who will let them down in the near future. An athlete should want to be known as an “all around” student-athlete, not jus an athlete. An all around athlete is someone who can get it done for his coach in their sport, plus get it done in the classroom for both their teacher and coach. If they screw up on grades, they are not only letting their coaching staff down but their also letting down their fellow teammates. Nothing would hurt fans, teammates and coaches more then a star player not being able to participate in an event for because of their academics in school. Who knows? Maybe the whole community will be let down not seeing u participate at an athletic sporting event. 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 3 Organization: 3 Voice: 3 Word Choice: 4 Sentence Fluency: 4 Conventions: 3.5 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 3.29 Performance Category: MS Scorer Commentary: The central point of the essay is not entirely clear. Fluently written with conviction but there is not a full persuasive construct. Opposing arguments are never addressed. Great emotional voice. The essay leaves the reader wanting more. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 160 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #93 Requiring More Fuel-Efficient Cars We live in tough times. Gas prices continue to increase, the economy is falling apart, and some believe that the environment is changing for the worst. All of these problems can be related to two things, the cost of fuel and the inefficient vehicles we drive. Both of these problems can be solved with one solution. This solution could not only help the environment, it could help the economy, and advance technology. We should require that the automobile manufacturers should produce more fuel efficient vehicles. To start with, this solution could do a variety of things including helping the environment. Some believe that all the pollutants we put into the atmosphere are causing global warming, now this may or may not be true, but what is true is that these pollutants cause a number of unsightly and harmful things. These pollutants cause a haze to appear over large cities that not only looks terrible, but can cause damage. When it rains this haze collects in the rain droplets and creates a form of rain called acid rain. Acid rain not only eats away at buildings and cars, but also makes the soil at farms very high in acid levels, which can lead to the death of crops. This haze can naturally go away, but when we use inefficient vehicles which add more and more pollutants to the haze, it will never leave, it will only grow. If we were to use more fuel efficient cars though, the haze would start to lessen and go away. The pollutants from vehicles aren’t the only thing destroying the environment, we are too. With the raise in demand for crude oil the state of Utah has allowed oil companies to drill in national parks. These huge oil drillers are now going to be allowed in the national parks. Unless we start to drive more fuel efficient cars, and lower the demand for crude oil, these metal monsters will be able to destroy the natural beauty of our national parks. Not only can requiring automobile manufactures to create more fuel efficient cars help the environment it can also help the economy. If the fuel efficiency on cars was raised to no less than 30 miles per gallon people would be made to buy a fuel efficient car. This surge in money could help out the economy, and get the auto industry away from needing a financial bailout. With people not needing to buy so much gas for their vehicles, heating costs would go down because of the surplus of fuel. With this extra money people could invest, or by other products. This redistribution of wealth could raise stock prices and help get us out of the recession. Not only would the raising of the fuel efficiency of cars help big corporations’ stock 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 4 Organization: 4 Voice: 4.5 Word Choice: 3.5 Sentence Fluency: 4 Conventions: 4 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 4.00 Performance Category: ES Scorer Commentary: Very well thought out. The passion is certainly there. Voice is very strong. Argument is partially convincing; does not address the arguments of the opposition. Introduction does a good job of drawing readers in. The pacing of ideas lingers too long on some points and skims over others. Writing reads smoothly but lacks any feeling of rhythm. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 161 Appendices Revised November 2009 it would also help individuals. The cost for shipping products around the nation would fall; joining this fall would be the cost of the product itself. Having cheaper food and other products available would put more money into the pockets of the people which could be spent on more products which would continue the redistribution of wealth. The final reason that requiring more fuel efficient car would have a positive outcome is the need for more fuel efficient vehicles will drive technology forward. The new fuel efficient cars will need new types of engines, new types of computer chips, and a new body frames to accommodate the new parts. All of these parts will drive technology forward, and there might even be some unexpected positives to come out of this rush toward the advancement of technology. For example the first kind of tape was made by a man named Scotch; he was tying to develop a product to hold parts to the body of a car temporally. He came up with scotch tape. This and many other practical products have come from the automobile industry’s technologies department. Not only will we need to build the new parts, but we will need new machinery to build these new parts. Anther example of how the automobile industry has helped out in this region is that the first automated robot was put to work in a car manufacturing plant. All this new technology will take a step toward the future. All in all, building more fuel efficient cars would be a good thing; it would help the environment, the economy, and will push technology forward. Instead of teaching our children to settle for what they have we will teach them to strive for only the best. Who knows, in 20 years we might have cars that run off air. Suggestions for Revision: Address the arguments of the opposing viewpoint as one way to strengthen your position. Be careful to not restate in the same sentence or to use not only too often. Strengthen your conclusion to better match the quality of your introduction. Some minor editing is still needed. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 162 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #94 learning another language The chief wonder of education is that it does not ruin everybody concerned in it, teachers and taught. This stated in 1901 by a Mr. Henry Brooks Adams (1828-1918) U.S. historian and writer, “The Education of Henry Adams”. When he said these words he mint that education was out to better ones life in their way. So it would and is completely unlawful for a second language to be thought out side English and I will show this by speaking primarily on one the limited access to all languages and no preference on which one to acquire, how this would show a bias towards one profession and retract learning for individuals life career and Finally how It discards original intention of public school and search for a education. Starting with one, the limited access to all languages and no preference on which language to be acquired. The basis of this argument be that if you are going to make it mandatory to learn a second language out side of their own natural language, then you must adequately prepared to teach all language. Other wise you would be showing a preference for one language and disregard the intentions of the student and their wishes. Not only this with all the languages out there, there is no one language that sticks out far enough to make it mandatory to learn outside of English but seeing how this language has already been acquired and is already being thought as a class till beyond college this would be irrelevant. But if looking at the rest of the languages of the world, none state a necessity to be learned. Thus there be no reason to make it mandatory to teach a language if we can not even provide for all the languages or choose which one is adequate for the student to learn. Along with no particular language and access to all languages there is the point of how this shows bias towards one profession and retracts from learning for individuals life carrier. From this I mean that this action would lessen the value of having a interpreter and thus throw off the market of such profession and life style of such people who operate inside this market of jobs. Not only that but this action would also take up time of the students education in which they could spend on their set carrier that they wish to pursue as their life job, taking away four credit points that could have bettered prepared them for such job. Not only a bias towards one profession but also and finally how It discards original intention of public school and search for a education. As shown in the original statement at the front of this paper education is meant to enlighten a person so that their life may better work for them and further the growth of their status in this world. While yes it would be a great benefit to have a second 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 2 Organization: 2.5 Voice: 2.5 Word Choice: 2.5 Sentence Fluency: 2 Conventions: 2 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 2.29 Performance Category: AW Scorer Commentary: The language and word choice of this essay is forced. Essay uses some of the vocabulary of persuasion—arguments, bias, intentions, relevance, social conscience. However, without clarity, illustration, or support they are empty in the essay. A clear position is not taken until well into the essay. Support is very general and difficult to wade through. Some elevated vocabulary is used incorrectly creating a barrier to meaning. Many convention errors throughout the essay. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 165 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #96 High School Sports High school sports can influence every student in a different way. I am influenced greatly by high school sports because they have helped me achieve a verity of things in a short period of time. Athletes like me are able to get the most out of their high school years because we can make memories without doing bad things. Most of all students learn how to manage school work, how to be a role model and build character for a life time. Grades are important no matter if students are in sports or not. Students have to realize in order to play a sport they have to keep their grades up. This helps the kids stay on task in class and keep them out of trouble. With more pressure on the students to do good kids have to learn how to manage their time. For instance if they have seminar they learn to stay busy and not do unproductive things. Students out for sports may have a better chance at getting help. Like if their practice doesn’t start right after school they can get help after school or if their friend is in the sport they can get help from them also. I have learned with being in basketball that staying after school can help me accomplish the homework that I am having trouble with. All kids look up to their high school sports teams. When they go to a Friday night football game they are there playing with their friends discussing how cool it’s going to be when they get that old. Young kids watch their older bothers and sisters and see that they are having fun makes them want to go out for it. That is why it is important for students to try their hardest in sports. I know when I was young I liked to see how fast the players would run up and down the floor. Teamwork is one thing that will help keeps the team together and hopefully leads to winning. This can also help the players from blaming losing just on just one person. Showing dedication can help the kids work harder in the things they enjoy too. Getting involved with school is important. Students represent our school by showing school pride. Cheering on the team is sometimes just as important as being on the team. Getting involved in high school sports helps build character. Building character takes some time and effort. Every athlete on the team is going to mess up once in a while but they have to use that to learn how to improve whatever they did wrong. This may involve using some skills you never use in normal day life. Athletes also get to know people they would never meet up with. In every sport I am in I have become connected with coaches and that helps me when I am looking for references to put on applications. Getting to know these people is good because it helps with social skills and now these people can help with future 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 3.5 Organization: 4 Voice: 3.5 Word Choice: 3 Sentence Fluency: 3.5 Conventions: 4 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 3.58 Performance Category: MS Scorer Commentary: Strong ideas. Points one and two could be developed with personal examples to strengthen the argument. Does not address alternate viewpoints. Ideas are not necessarily original but do see to work as support. Can see the connection of the supporting paragraphs with the introduction and conclusion. Essay functions but isn’t particularly convincing. Word choice is repetitive in places. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 166 Appendices Revised November 2009 planning, even if the students’ future isn’t guided in the athletic direction. When kids are trying to decide what to do with the ball or where to run next they learn how to take chances. With the right attitude all these will shape high school students well. Growing up playing sports can help these young high school boys and girls. It doesn’t only create lasting memories it also helps them bond with their friends in all different ways. Sports are a good way to learn and help kids take who they are and improve it. But over all it teaches them the importance of grades, how to be role model and how to build character. Most parents are able to see this in their kids and enjoy seeing them improve. Suggestions for Revision: Addressing alternative points of view will strengthen the persuasive aspect of this essay. Adding more personal examples might be one way to strengthen voice. Beware of over-generalizing with the word all. Focus attention on correct use of internal punctuation. Adding more effective transitions would help the fluency of the essay. Be mindful of the overuse of second person pronouns. Eliminate redundancy in the introduction and conclusion. Avoid vague words such as things, use more specific, meaningful nouns. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 167 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #97 High School Sports High school sports play a big role in school and have a great affect on a large percentage on students. Besides academics, sports make a school’s history what it is. Also being involved in sports develops and improves a lot of skills that students wouldn’t develop in the classroom. A lot of times in athletic competitions you’re put in a position to where you have to challenge yourself and strategize on how to wear down or stop your opponent. Winning and losing competitions push you harder to achieve success and not give up. There’s still another opportunity. Academics….learning in the classroom, something just about every athlete needs to be successful. Yes you learn lessons in the classroom like when you pass or fail a test because you didn’t study or pay attention the previous class. This doesn’t pressure or bother enough students to want to do better on the next one, that’s why I believe athletics or sports have a better lessoned learned out of it. Lessons learned in sports are more significant. In sports you actually pay attention to the meaning and apply it. My experience of playing sports and learning lessons from my mistakes help me a lot in the classroom because sports taught me to strive more in succeeding the highest potential I’m capable of doing. If high school sports weren’t around, a lot of students wouldn’t have a reason to want to succeed. Students want the opportunity to stay doing sports so they do well in the classroom. Without the impact sports have on students and what it teaches them affects their decisions in the classroom along with academics. Why? Having good sportsmanship in basketball means you know how to control your actions and behavior, this plays a part in the classroom because a lot of times students patience and nerves get out of hand and they want to give up but they don’t because the meaning of sports make them not give up. 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 2.5 Organization: 2 Voice: 3 Word Choice: 2 Sentence Fluency: 3 Conventions: 3.5 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 2.50 Performance Category: AS Scorer Commentary: Needs to develop a clear thesis so the arguments can be followed throughout the essay. Body paragraphs need clear topic sentences and more specific details to support your position. The basic framework is there, but leaves the reader wanting more structure and opinion. Delve deeper! Conclusion is missing. Suggestions for Revision: Detail an outline of your ideas and write from that. Use the introduction for its purpose—leading up to the thesis, not defending it. Include additional details and facts to show your readers your intent. Eliminate the repetitive use of a lot. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 170 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #99 The Spectacular’s of Sports In high school, there are many opportunities to become involved in activities throughout the school year. Whether it’s a club such as FBLA or a sport in which athletes can compete, students have numerous opportunities to get involved. These opportunities help prepare students for life by teaching them important lessons. Although clubs can teach students some major life skills, they do not teach the students as much as a student actively involved in high school sports. High school athletics teach students valuable life lessons, teach students how to manage what is important in their life, and teach students to remain physically active throughout life. High school sports are an important key to teens becoming successful in life and should not be taken for granted. In sports, to become not only an excellent athlete yourself, but a great team as well, athletes need to work hard. Whether it is by practicing or training to become better in the weight room, athletes know it takes hard work to acquire their goals. For anything to become its best, it takes hard work and dedication. This is also true in life. Whether it is for work or just tending to a garden, it takes hard work to get where you want to go or be where you want to be. This is a very important life lesson that can and should be used throughout a person’s life. Another important lesson learned through high school athletics is to never give up. Throughout life, everyone goes through a tough time. Today, for instance, it can be hard to find a job. Instead of just giving up after applying for a few jobs, try harder. Whatever happens, don’t give up! Sure, you might get turned down again, but it’s worth a shot. The same can be said and is demonstrated through high school athletics. In a basketball game, if a team is down towards the end of a game, do you think the athletes are taught to just give up when the shots aren’t falling for them and they are down? No! Instead these student athletes try harder. They fight to the finish and never give up. Because these teens have a chance to participate in high school athletics, they learn valuable life lessons which will stick with them for the rest of their lives. Although competing in athletic events can be fun, students learn to manage their schedules the hard way. If a student athlete is busy competing and practicing, they may fall behind in school, and he or she will be punished as a result. In Hanover High School, if a student becomes ineligible, he or she cannot compete in an athletic event until they bring their grade(s) up. A student becomes ineligible by receiving either three D’s during a quarter of school or by containing just one F. This teaches high school 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 4 Organization: 4 Voice: 4 Word Choice: 4 Sentence Fluency: 5 Conventions: 5 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 4.17 Performance Category: ES Scorer Commentary: Well-organized; includes major support for the thesis, including touching on opposing viewpoints. Organization is good but more examples of “life lessons” would be better. Essay doesn’t suggest the writer is as involved with the writing as could be. More personal examples might help to improve this. Word choice could be developed more for appeal. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 171 Appendices Revised November 2009 students to pay attention to what is important, academics and not athletics. In most instances, a student will get a job based on their academic record and not by athletics. However, by being active in high school athletics, students will learn to manage their schedules more efficiently and learn to always stay focused on what is important in their life. Finally, athletics are important for the obvious, remaining in shape. It seems as though more and more people are becoming overweight. The best method to lose weight is by exercising and becoming active. The best way to do this is by participating in athletics. If a teen actively participates in high school athletics, then exercising will become second-hand. Although many teens do not look as though they need to worry about their weight, as they get older, their metabolism will most likely slow down. In a nutshell, their weight will catch up to them. If teens participate in sports during high school though, it will be easier for them to get out and exercise when they need to later on in life. Some people believe high school athletics have a negative effect on the lives of students. They feel sports are becoming the top priority in a teen’s life and students would be better off without the opportunity of participating in high school sports. Although high school sports are extremely important for teenagers, it should not overcome the importance of academics. In Hanover, academics come first. Although most kids thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to play sports, they realize that unless they focus on their academics, they won’t get the chance to participate in sports. Yet, there are still a fraction of the high school students that do not participate in any sports during high school. That fraction only increases with the size of the school. A goal should be set to where the number of students that do not participate in high school athletics decreases every year. This will not only be valuable for the teams that they join, but even more beneficial to the students themselves. If a student becomes involved in high school athletics it will help him or her tremendously. It will teach them valuable life lessons, teach them how to manage what is important in their life, and teach students to remain physically active throughout life. The opportunities given through high school sports are very important and should be used to any high- school student’s advantage. Suggestions for Revision: Transitions could be more smoothly presented. Expand vocabulary and resist re- using terms and variations in close proximity. Be more specific with examples and strengthen word choice. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 172 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #100 The Value of Taking Risks and Making Mistakes Have you ever regretted doing or not doing a certain task? You might regret it because you didn’t want to take any risks. In life, majority people take a risk every day. Yes, some make mistakes, but some can usually take that mistake and brush it aside or learn from it. Then others take the risk again without making mistakes the next time. A firm belief is established in a lifestyle in whether or not someone is a risk taker or not. It will usually depend on how well they take to making mistakes. If a person believes they want something bad enough or they care about the situation they are in, they should take that risk to achieve what they want to accomplish, although they may make a mistake. Taking risks adds many ups and downs to life. Positive aspects to a risk taking life are numerous. There are subjects such as: beginning a steady relationship with a boy friend or girl friend by taking the risk to ask him/her to date, you can also strengthen a previous relationship you may have had, there’s also the possibility of having luck on your side when taking the risk to get an objective done in a high risk situation. For example, if an individual is a rescue unit and they have to save someone from a rock cliff. They take that risk of having the rope break and plummeting to the bottom of the rocks, but they take that risk to keep the victim out of harms way. A person may also earn a well known reputation by being a risk taker, like when President Franklin Roosevelt sent the bomber planes to Japan after Pearl Harbor. There was high risk of an imminent attack both on land or sea again; but Roosevelt held firm and took the risk of retaliation and saved the country from despair for the time being. When someone takes a risk they put a reputation on the line. When an individual takes the risk of making a relationship they can very easily make mistakes. The value of taking risks can be a very essential part of a person’s life; however, it could very well create turmoil for the future of that individual. When a person makes a mistake it can hurt the individual or somebody else very badly. Making mistakes is all par for the course. There will always be a mistake to be made; no one can deny it. The way one might go about handling a situation is crucial to the number of mistakes that are out there. When you make a mistake you can either choose to let it drag you down with sorrow or you can pick your self up. Try to move on and correct the problem, before it happens again. Please choose to pick yourself up. The feeling of letting the mistakes drag a person down hurt worse than that person going on about their life and moving on. Although a mistake is usually seen as appalling, it is sometimes shown to me as a sign of reconciliation. That feeling is brought to me by making a mistake and showing remorse which in time strengthens a relationship again between conflicting people. 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 3.5 Organization: 3 Voice: 4 Word Choice: 4 Sentence Fluency: 4 Conventions: 4.5 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 3.67 Performance Category: MS Scorer Commentary: Organizational pattern is apparent and the writer obviously has a lot to say; awareness of audience, however, is weak. Some good illustrations and examples support main ideas. At times the essay rambles— language could be tightened for clarity. Position is clear but sometimes obscured by too much detail. Powerful historical examples. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 175 Appendices Revised November 2009 for a later time. It puts a little excitement in our lives and makes us all unique. How would the world be if nobody took the risk to do anything, to stay on the safe side of the sidewalk? There would be nothing to watch on TV, no sports to play, no more things that are enjoyable, which we take for granted today. By doing the daring, you get away from the safe side of the sidewalk. You decide to walk along the curb or even cross the street. This opens up new doors and opportunities wait us. By crossing that street, you may come across a store that catches your eye. So you decide to check it out and since you seem so interested, the store owner offers you a job! By mustering up the courage to cross the road, you’ve now earned yourself a job. These risks put more excitement into our lives, making them that more enjoyable and maybe even new doors will open after you enter through one. Like if after working at the store for so long, they offer you a place in management! But who said you had to do all this alone? People don’t want to do things alone. We want someone to share our feelings with, to know that someone is there with you. That’s why when little children are scared at night, they sneak to their parents room and sleep with their parents. The danger (although there is no real danger, they’re just scared) is still there, they feel more at peace because somebody is there with them. It makes us feel more secure. Like it wont be so bad of a fall if others fall with you. Not only does taking risks with family and friends give you a morale boost, it strengthens the relationship you have with one another. It creates a stronger bond between you because you can relate to one another. Not only with friends and family, but possibly even grow stronger religiously. You may not have anyone there with you to go through with, but spiritually you are never alone. You may pray to whatever you call your God, growing closer to them and becoming for spiritually attached. Possibly even changing your life for the better. But that’s if you are religious. If you claim to have no God or higher being, its never too late to do so, to become part of a religion. And why do we take risks? Its because there is some reward we desire at the end. Otherwise, there would be no point in doing so. There is always the possibility of failure but you are just as likely to succeed if you try hard enough. Successfully reaching your goal makes you more confident in yourself. You’ve just accomplished something challenging, and now you reap the benefits of doing so. Because of what your actions were, how you did things, you came out on top. I’m not saying to go out and attempt to outrun the police, jump out of an airplane without instructions and attempt to skydive by yourself, or anything drastic like that. Create memories and stories to tell. Get that adrenaline pumping through your veins and come out on top, the victor! Suggestions for Revision: Use of fragments can be an effective tool. Be sure you know the purpose for why you use it in each instance. An overuse of fragments can diffuse their effectiveness. Craft a strong, direct thesis and organize ideas more logically in support of that thesis. Eliminate some of the redundancy present from one paragraph to the next. Review the essay from the end back to the beginning to determine if the purpose of the essay was effectively achieved. Organize your ideas in an outline before beginning the next draft. This should help to eliminate redundancy and make your writing more concise. Strengthen your rebuttal of opposing viewpoints. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 176 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #102 Driving Age in the USA The driving age in most foreign countries is higher then in the United States, but the USA has more Agriculture than most of the world. This means that it is not just the parents that are doing all the work the kids are helping too. The kids need to start driving at an early age so they can go to school with out having their parents driving them in from a far distance. My point of view on the subject of raising the minimum driving age is that if the driving age goes up it will give the kids less experience, it should stay the same but higher the difficulty of the test, and maybe just increase the driving age in some places like the bigger cities. One of the reasons that adults want to raise the driving age is because of the kids being in accidents more than the rest of society. The USA’s driving age is 16 and most of the foreign countries are 18, this is true but other countries also don’t have as much rural areas as we do. The way I look at it is the earlier the person starts driving, the better the experience the driver will get in the long run. The foreign countries also have more difficult test and it cost more to drive, so it seems like there it is a privilege for them to drive, and here it seems like it is a write. I believe that it should be a privilege and a need more than anything. If the adults wanted to do something about the subject, and not change the driving age, I think it would be a smart idea to increase the difficulty on getting a license. It is harder for people to get a driving license in European countries than it is here. One idea is to have everyone take a drivers Ed course and not just having so many hours of driving before you can just go pay and take a small written test over the counter. A person could just lie about driving the amount of hours it takes to get one. It would be more logical to do is have all of the students in a freshman class in high school or whoever is15 the summer before they turn 16 take a mandatory drivers Ed class before they can get their license. This way the person that is driving gets to know all about the road sings and the car and it would give the money more money if the kids had to pay the school for the class. One idea is to still increase the driving age but only do it in some places, like the city where the kids have public transportation, and still keep the learners permit the same. This way the kids could get more experience driving in the big cities, and the kids in the rural areas can work their way up driving in the smaller towns, and then moving up a little bit at a time. The kids in the rural areas need to be able to drive because of driving to school each morning and driving to where ever they are working in the fields of just at their parents shop. The kids in the rural areas would basically have a farmers permit, they would have 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 2.5 Organization: 2.5 Voice: 2.5 Word Choice: 2.5 Sentence Fluency: 2.5 Conventions: 2.5 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 2.50 Performance Category: AS Scorer Commentary: Interesting ideas, but essay lacks a persuasive element. Causal links are not at all clear. Topic sentences in body paragraphs do not follow the thesis. Arguments are hidden in the rhetoric and diatribe. Ideas and arguments are confusing in places. Ideas are over-generalized and logic is disjointed. Reads like an initial rough draft. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 177 Appendices Revised November 2009 limitations on where and when you could drive, and only to and from places. They would only be able to drive at cretin times and not just where ever they want. This way cops could have a curfew for anyone less than 18 years of age, and it would limit the amount of trouble that range of kids would get in. The kids have accidents more than anyone in society, but there are things that we can do with out limiting them to not driving at all. My point of view is if the driving age goes up it will allow for less experience when we can drive, if the driving age stays the same the test should be harder and everyone should have to take it, and change the age if we have to, to kids in the city that really don’t need to drive other to get in trouble and go to school, and let the kids in the rural areas have them but just have limitations one them. The kids need to be able to drive some, but I believe that we are driving a little too much, and we just need to have more experienced drivers before they are driving on their own. Suggestions for Revision: Revise for clarity and succinct language. Craft coherent topic sentences to guide the content of each body paragraph. Revise for consistent point of view and avoid shifting from third to second person. Serious proofreading needed— particularly for run-on sentences. Revise for stronger word choice. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 180 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #104 High School Sports “Hey Mark, what are you doing tonight?” “Hey Jim, I am going to play some basketball. Do you want to join me?” “No thank you Mark, I do not like sports.” Many students who do not play sports are a lot like Jim; they make excuses and do not want to play sports because they do not think that they are good enough. In high school, sports are not about how good an individual is, but about making the person feel better. High school sports have a positive impact on teenagers because sports improve leadership, keep teenagers out of trouble, and keep students healthy. To begin, sports allow students to become better leaders. Sports require all team members to be able to step up and accomplish a tough task in a short period of time. Becoming a better leader will help students down the road. For example, an employer may want a certain project done in a short period of time. Previous leadership experience from high school sports will help determine if this individual will or will not complete the task. In addition to improved leadership, students also learn to stay out of trouble if they are involved in sports. For example, in the movie Coach Carter, all the students who played sports did not get involved in drugs or alcohol, but all the kids who did not participate in sports were always getting into trouble. This is also true in everyday life. Young athletes who play sports will want to go to bed early at night in order to prepare for a game. Students will also stay out of trouble so they will be able to continue to play sports. Furthermore, sports will help students stay healthy and learn healthier eating habits. Every day, we continue to hear about the obesity epidemic in America, more weight-loss products are being produced daily, and more people complain about the unhealthy foods restaurants are serving. Sports require healthy bodies, so students will develop healthy eating habits to stay fit for sports. By playing sports, teenagers will be active for at least an hour a day, and this length of activity greatly improves the body condition of an athlete. In contrast, many people believe that sports are dangerous for children because they believe that sports make kids less active in the classroom. This may be true, but most schools have policies that require students to maintain a certain grade point average in order to play sports. Many people also believe that sports cause an increase in the usage of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs, but most students do not have a need to use steroids. 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 4.5 Organization: 4 Voice: 4 Word Choice: 4.5 Sentence Fluency: 4 Conventions: 4 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 4.21 Performance Category: ES Scorer Commentary: Overall, well done. Nice introduction but it could be extended for clarity. Conclusion is abrupt. Body paragraphs could be developed in more detail. The Coach Carter references are very effective. Attempts to include an opposing argument. Paragraph transitions are formulaic and interfere with audience appeal. For the most part, ideas flow smoothly throughout the essay. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 181 Appendices Revised November 2009 To conclude, sports have a big impact on teenagers by improving leadership, keeping students out of trouble, and by improving the health of the athletes. Teens who are like Jim will realize when they are older that it would have been beneficial to them to play sports during high school. Suggestions for Revision: Adding more personal examples might help to strengthen the argument and also voice. Strengthen conclusion. Revise and improve transitions. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 182 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #105 High School Sports Jon and Jake are both juniors in high school. Jon loves going out for football, basketball, and track. Jake would rather be at home playing video games or hanging out with his friends, and getting into trouble. One day Jake decided to hang out with his friends after school and they got into a lot of trouble for vandalizing property. When he saw Jon, he told him what kind of trouble he got into with the cops. Jon told him that maybe if he would have went out for sports then he would not have gotten into trouble with the law. High school sports can help students succeed in many ways because it helps athletes to become more involved, keeps them healthy, and builds character. To begin, high school sports help students become more involved with their school. Students who are more involved stay out of trouble because the athlete more than likely has practice after school for at least an hour if not more. Being more involved also looks excellent on college applications. Colleges like students who become involved and do extracurricular activities. In addition, sports aid students by keeping them healthy. Many students who play sports have a healthier lifestyle because they are not at home playing video games or watching television, eating potato chips and drinking soda. Sports help keep kids healthy because most sports require running, so the kids have to be in shape. Furthermore, high school sports also help a person build character. Playing sports helps the students build character by making them communicate with their teammates. For example, when a student plays sports such as volleyball or basketball the person will have other teammates, and in order for these people to win they will have to learn how to communicate together. Sports also make these individuals use teamwork. It can also help a person build great self esteem because when they win a game or have the winning shot in a basketball game; it makes them feel good about themselves. By playing sports, students learn responsibility. Sports can teach students responsibility because they need to take care of any uniform or equipment that is given out to them while they are using them. Even though many people support playing sports, others believe academics are more important. Students think that playing sports will give them less time for their studies, causing their grades to slip. Academics are important but sports can also get people scholarships so they will not have to pay as much to go to college. Many people do not go out for sports because they have part-time jobs. Students could still go out for sports and work on the weekends if they really wanted to. 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: 3.5 Organization: 3 Voice: 3.5 Word Choice: 3.5 Sentence Fluency: 3.5 Conventions: 4 Performance Levels: Composite Score: 3.42 Performance Category: MS Scorer Commentary: Introduction and conclusion provide a good “frame” but the body of the essay needs additional development and balance to support the central argument. More specific or personal examples are needed in the development of the essay. Organization lacks cohesion. An opposing argument is touched upon in the next to last paragraph. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 185 Appendices Revised November 2009 Appendix G High School Practice Essays without Annotations from 2009 KWA These practice essays can be used for calibration sessions in which groups of readers score and discuss these essays to ensure that scoring is accurate and consistent from one scorer to another. Readers can complete the annotation boxes to facilitate discussion and also model the kind of feedback and instruction that teachers might provide to their students on classroom assignments. Although annotating essays is not required on the Kansas Writing Assessment, it is suggested here as an effective training procedure. The quick reference chart on page 216 lists the 6-TRAIT scores for these essays. KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 186 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #106 Raising the Minimum Driving Age Place the key in the ignition to start the vehicle, try to clear your blind spot and safety first; situate your seat belt. Every responsible and mature driver does the above ritual to embark on their driving journey, sadly however, people are taking into account raising the minimum driving age. Would this or would this not be an appropriate resolution? I think not. The minimum driving age should not be raised however, others squabble this topic. Raising the minimum driving age would significantly incontinence large families, independent youths. The driving age should continue at the minimum age that it is currently today. If the minimum age was amplified it would create a huge strain on large families that must depend on the eldest child of the household to run errands. Some households for instance mine; contain one mother, father and five children under the age of eighteen. However, I am the child that is eighteen and very much so reliant upon as if an additional adult. Other families contain two working parents; contrasting mine but, sometimes it proves essential that the eldest child be able to drive as well for responsibilities that maybe requested of him or her. Independent youths depend as well on this minimum driving age. When my father was sixteen and on his own he needed to be able to drive so that he may go to and from work and also, to maintain his high school education; the capability to drive was a necessity. If the responsibility or ability to drive at such a juvenile age than what would come of this three family situations? Large families need the additional driver, working parents need a steadfast person to get things completed and the independent youths have other tasks that require their attendance and without a vehicle could not accomplish important duties. However, others may dispute that the driving age should be raised because, of the most accompanied explanation that the younger community has more accidents than the more knowledgeable drivers. Yet, I oppose that statement. Drivers of any age are similarly at danger for car accidents. It is not the age of the driver but, the maturity and the reaction time of the driver that impacts the facility. For example, the time that I had spent living on Fort Knox more accidents announced with older males in the military compared to that of the youthful drivers. The male drivers were irresponsible and choose to drink and drive causing an accident. Another instance to take into consideration was the car accident concerning my mother which induced the labor of my older brother. My father, age twenty-three at the time was the driver with my mother in the passenger seat and they were 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 187 Appendices Revised November 2009 stricken by another vehicle. The driver of that vehicle was not a young person but, an older male. It just goes to confirm that is it not the age of the person that creates accidents but, the maturity; maturity not to drink and the reaction time. Permit the responsible and mature driver to place that key in the ignition, clear the blind spot and gently position the seat belt over their shoulder as they have been taught for several years. The minimum driving age should not be raised. Consider about how it will incontinence families, especially large ones and how it may unconstructively affect the lives of others. It does not matter the age of the person or their driving experience but, their maturity and reaction time because; we all are at risk for creating an accident on the streets. Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 190 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #108 The value of taking risk and making mistakes. There are many ways to make mistakes. But did take a risk to make that mistake? Some people make bigger mistakes than others. Some pay a higher consequence than others. But no matter what you made a risk and everyone does it even if you don’t realize that you’re doing it. There are many unnecessary risks to take and some that you will just have to. No matter what they are you make a risk to fulfill your destiny. There are many different ways to take your life. Go down the good path don’t get caught up in doing drugs and drinking and gangs. All that is stupid there is no need for it. All you do is ruin chances you have at making it big. So I the point that everyone takes risk, lets talk about the unnecessary ones. This would be things that are just stupid. Doing drugs, smoking, purposely getting hurt and many more. These are the things that you don’t need to do. Nobody needs to make mistakes and take risk that can severely hurt them. If you are doing something that is helping your life, and you get hurt, that would not be as bad as trying to get hurt on purpose. Another way for you to get hurt is emotionally. If you have or had a bad break up don’t let it affect you. Don’t sit at home sobbing and feeling bad for your self. You will find someone new. You could have more fun being single. All you need to do is make sure it does not knock you off your feet and you keep on trucking until you reach the happy time in your life. When you reach that you can still work and you won’t have to try so hard. Until you reach the happy part of your life give everything 100%. and try hard at everything you do. Necessary risk would be like fixing a car, fixing something in your home, helping people at the store or on the streets. Things of this nature would be a good risk. If you make a mistake then you could come back and fix it again and do a better job most of the time. If you mess up in the house you could clean it and start over. If you were working on the car and you stripped the bolt, you could go buy a new bolt come back too the car and replace it. While you’re working on the car, if you’re working under it you have the risk of it falling on you. These would all be a god risk though. You would be fixing and helping things around you for a better place or product. Some people think that all risk you take are bad. They think that you should not take any risk and you will have no consequence. But you always take risk, you just don’t realize it. You make mistakes all the time everyone does. It’s like everything you do you’re taking a risk, and if you want a good life that’s what you have to do. Take risk be happy, make mistakes 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 191 Appendices Revised November 2009 and learn from them, live life to the fullest and don’t ever give up on anything. Make a good living don’t let people get too you and ruin your chances. Make the right choices, the right friends of you don’t get caught up in everything else then you should be good. It will help you in the long run. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s just human nature. Everyone adapts to it, and you just don’t see it. Many consequences are given from it, but that’s what life is about, having gun and living it too the fullest. Don’t let little things get you down. If you make a mistake forget it, you will have time to fix it. When you make your mistake keep your head up and just keep moving! Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 192 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #109 Learning another Language You have an interview today and you’re nervous. You’re resume looks good, so why worry? You walk into the office and the man greets you in some language you don’t know; you look at him quizzically, and then he frowns. You know you didn’t get the job. Situations like this happen more often than most people think. With learning another language you can benefit in more than one way; you can maybe land that job or talk to family in your home country. Of course there are disadvantages to learning another language but there are more benefits than drawbacks to this decision. Learning another language should be a necessary requirement. Everyone has their own unique culture and different families. My family is French and seven out of eight of my grandparents still live in France. Five of them don’t speak a word of English so I am enrolled in French every year so I can learn more of the culture and language and converse with them more freely. This is a great aid for anyone with family in another country, but it’s also good anyway for around the house. Learning another language and using it in the household is fruitful for everyone; it might help them later in life to land a good job that requires being bilingual. Since we’re on the topic of bilingual, some universities and colleges offer scholarships for bilingual students. Employers prefer multilingual possible employees, but bilingual is great too, because the variety in languages they provide could potentially extend their business to other people who speak languages other than English. This is a definite positive for them and it would be even better for the bilingual person because they just scored a good job because they could speak another language. So learning at least a second language is beneficial for the general public. But there are some who believe learning another language is not as good as others may think. I have asked teens and adults as well how they feel about learning another language; some have answered with, “I have tried, but it’s just far too hard. Why try when I live in America anyway?” It’s understandable that yes it is hard for some but if you look at it from a foreigner’s point of view it’s difficult to learn English for them so both can relate to one another. If someone is persistent enough in learning that language it will be hard at first but they will learn basic phrases and move in small steps toward their main goal; to learn that language and become fluent. Another reason additionally to not learning another language is because it takes up time. Of course learning another language takes up time! It’s understandable that sometimes people 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 195 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #111 Center of Attention Sports take precedence over many activities such as academics or the arts. Many high school students put too much emphasis on sports which results in poor academics, overshadowing of the arts, and unnecessary drama. If this is not changed many high school students will face a rude awakening when attending college. As a high school student, witnessing a classmate place academics after sports is not an uncommon occurrence. Many players put homework on the back burner as soon as sports begin. Many students become so involved in sports that grades suffer horribly and the teacher suffers too. Teachers work hard to help students learn and succeed in life. Then many students thank them by not turning in homework or cheating. How ethical is that? Some students attain the “I don’t want to be here” attitude and don’t try at all! Is that rewarding to the teacher? Rewarding no, disappointing yes. Students need to become more focused on school or they may not receive scholarships for college or be able to attend college. More scholarships for academics are given than for sports. Many high school boys strive to be a NFL football player when grown. Now let’s be realistic here, how many people grow up to play professional football? Not meaning to crush dreams, but very few men grow up to be professional football players. Now there are many students who are involved in sports that succeed in school; however, many students are so worried about how much playing time they will receive, that they become distracted. Some students use sports as a motive to do well in school, however, high school sports take students out of the classroom and can affect grades even if they try hard. Secondly, sports overshadow the arts. The art programs in many schools don’t receive any attention! Sports receive more funding in many school districts and art is the first to be cut in times of economic distress. Arts and academics are more likely to help a person further themselves in life than sports are. Arts are important because they broaden the interests of the students. An athlete can be an artist; it is not a crime. If high school students don’t participate in the arts, they could graduate without learning about different types of cultures. High school students need to broaden their horizons, so they know what activities they would like to participate in while attending college. Now, it is understandable that everyone is an individual and has different interests; however, students need to try multiple activities to figure out what they are truly interested in. Additionally, high school sports add drama and stress to the life of a high school student. High school sports are full of cat 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 196 Appendices Revised November 2009 fights and unwanted drama. In many cases upperclassmen take advantage of underclassmen since they have seniority. Now, this may be true, but what about treating others the way we want to be treated? Many students hold grudges against each other if one plays more than the other. Drama is also the culprit of teams losing games. Teams need to realize that if they fight, they will never be able to work as a team or win. Sports also add enormous amounts of pressure on the team and on the coach. For instance, some parents yell at their kids if they make mistakes playing sports. Then the coach also gets criticized by parents if anything goes wrong. Many parents pressure children when playing sports, so students become stressed and don’t feel good enough. If parents add too much pressure, their child can become depressed and unconfident. Now it is understandable why high school sports are valued, they bring in money, teach individuals to work together, and are exciting; however, people need to realize that the drama is unnecessary and adds unneeded pressure to the lives of students. High school sports are an enjoyable part of the high school experience, but students need to realize that academics, arts, and self-confidence are critical, also. As a high school student, I am challenging all readers and students to exit their comfort zone and explore new territory. As a concerned citizen, I am asking all people to reevaluate the priorities in their lives. Go out and explore! Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 197 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #112 High School Sports “Hey Bobby! What are you doing tonight?” “I’m going to go over to Jim’s house to shoot around. You want to come?” “No, sports are not for me.” That is the excuse many students use for not going out for any sports. They do not think they are good enough to play. That is false; sports are not just about how good the individual is. Sports are about keeping students healthy and active, helping them stay out of trouble, and teaching athletes leadership. To begin, sports are very beneficial because it ensures that students stay healthy and active. Statistics show that the nation is becoming more and more obese. Lack of activity and having bad eating habits are major causes of obesity. With sports, students are active at least an hour a day. Being active would lead to the students being in shape and healthy. Also, the students will have to eat healthy in order to keep in shape for their sport. Consequently, being in shape and being healthy will give the student a higher self-esteem because of their physical appearance. In addition to being healthy, sports will keep athletes out of trouble. It is a known fact that there are an increasing number of kids committing crimes or doing drugs. If students get involved with a sport and stay at school until late evening, it will keep teenagers away from the negativity and peer pressure that surrounds them on a day to day basis. Most coaches even have discipline rules that punish athletes if they are caught drinking or doing drugs. This will make parents feel much safer about letting students go out on weekends. Being part of a team is almost like having a second family. The student would know he or she has friends that will back him or her up in the decision to “say no” to drugs or any type of crime. Likewise, participating in high school sports will build leadership skills. Sports can teach students how to lead others under any situation. It will also teach the athletes how to handle pressure in a close game. This ability to perform under stress will help in the future if a boss has a short deadline set for them. Students will also be able to handle any situation professionally. Imagine this situation: the main construction supervisor is sick and the boss needs someone to step up and take his position for the day. With the experience gained from sports, being able to step up and handle the job is an easy task. On the other hand, some might say that sports are not beneficial for students because it becomes the main focus and their academics suffer. This is wrong. Many schools have a 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 200 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive #114 High School Sports BEEP! The final buzzer rings in the football game and your team misses out on going to the playoff’s by one yard. What is your team going to do in the off season? You are going to work as hard as you can to make the playoffs the next year. Just like in the classroom when you fail a test. The next time you will know to study a lot harder to get a better grade. In many sports, students can benefit in the classroom by what they learn from their teams’ experiences. Students can have a positive experience in sports by learning how to get a long with other people even if they are not in agreement. This can be a life lesson, because throughout your lifetime you will have some people you may not get along with but have to work with. High school athletics can benefit students in many ways. Student involved with sports are taught life lessons, get exercise, and build friendships between teammates. Athletics can have many good effects on students. Positive effects include learning life lessons. Student athletes learn lessons on the field or court that they can translate to the classroom. The students have to work hard to earn a starting spot on the team. They know that if they want good grades they will have to work equally as hard in the classroom. Through sports students can learn that everything in life isn’t as easy as a stroll down the street. Athletes learn that to get anywhere in life, they have to work. Sure some students may think just because they are athletes they should have it made and not do any work. The ones that truly care about an education know that this isn’t true and they will have to work for everything they earn. Students also learn the discipline that is taught to them by their coach. Students learn how they are expected to behave as a young adult. If an athlete gets a detention and is late for practice the coach is going to notice. The student will be disciplined. This translates to the classroom by the student athletes having better behavior. Although student athletes are taught life lessons there are still other reasons to show sports have a positive influence on students. The exercise students get in the sports they participate in is good for their body. It is proven that exercise contributes to having more energy. If students have more energy, they will have more of it to expend on schoolwork. There will always be game nights when students get home late and may not get the best sleep. Yes, they’re probably going to be a little sleepy the next day at school, but to every day like this, there are several which will not have the same effect. Students that are in sports keep fit. If they are fit they are more likely to have a higher self esteem. Better work will be produced by students that are motivated. Students that feel good about themselves will be more motivated. On every 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 201 Appendices Revised November 2009 team there is someone that is down in the dumps or not having a good season. This student may not be as motivated to do work. They can easily be cheered up by teammates or by a win for the team. Also take into consideration that is only one out of several students. Students can benefit through sports by learning life lessons and the exercise they get but also by the friendships they build with teammates. If students are in sports they build relationships with people that they might not associate with otherwise. When they do this they will be able to work better together in school. In group activities they will participate more because they know each other better. If one is having problems on homework they may be able to tutor the other one or help them with homework. Although some students may make friendship some may become rival or enemies. This is only a few students usually though. Many students will become friends instead of enemies. Although there are minimal negative points in high school athletics, overall they will have a positive influence on students. In high school there are many opportunities to get caught up in bad and unhealthy practices. Sports are not one of these bad activities. Sports help keep students off the streets and prevent them from making other trouble. Students in sports are taught lessons about life, get plenty of exercise, and build friendships with other people. Sports may seem to distract and hurt student’s grades but they are really a positive experience for all participants in one way or another. Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 202 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #115 High School Sports “Mom, I don’t want to do volleyball this year, because I want to work after school instead.” This was the conversation I had with my mother the summer before I was to be a sophomore. I had just got a job at the Community Hospital, and instead of only working weekends, I wanted to work after school as well. Volleyball practice would last until six in the evening, meaning I would never get to work after school. High school sports have a negative impact because they cut into school time, take away from after school jobs, and interrupt getting prepared for college. First off, I am against high school sports because they cut into school time. When the games are far away, or even just out of town a little ways, usually the teams will have to get out of class early, meaning they miss out on what was taught in that time. The students are then taught what they missed in a quick manner, which results in them not really understanding what they missed. Most sporting events have games or meets that are on school days. It’s not junior high anymore when the teachers don’t give homework on game days. The teachers will give homework on any day no matter what. When the kids get home, they stay up too late and try to get it done, or don’t do it at all; they are either lose sleep, or don’t get their homework done. Neither of these choices is good for a high school student. Along with taking away from school time, high school sports also take away from after school jobs. For that period of time when kids are in sports, they are not earning much money, or at least not as much as they would if they could work after school. Yes, some jobs allow kids to work after six, but on the other hand, some sports practices don’t start until five and end at eight. Some places need kids to work after school. There are businesses that might not even be running right now if it weren’t for students working there to help run it. The adults need a break too. Kids are supposed to be preparing themselves to be responsible with their money in high school. If they don’t have time to work because of sporting events and practices, it’s not really going to benefit them in the long run. When kids save their money that they earn themselves, it will make them feel good when they can buy something with their own money. To tie my other reasons together, sports cut into getting prepared for college. Many people say that they aren’t going to play sports during college; they just play during high school for the fun of it. If kids don’t plan to play sports during college, they should focus on their classes before they focus on their sporting 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 205 Appendices Revised November 2009 and it will look better for you when you are looking for a college to go to. In the end playing sports might not be a bad idea. Not only will it keep you in good physical shape but you will benefit from it in many ways. Playing sports will keep you out of trouble, teaches you new things, and makes you do better in school. So sports will help in many ways while you can have some fun at the same time. Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 206 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #117 High School Sports In high school most kids go out for sports for fun and to be with their friends. But there is a lot more to sports than just to be with friends or for the fun. This is because they can get other important qualities from sports that will help them to become stronger as a person. There are a lot of reasons to go out for sports in high school. Here are three reasons that sports can help them. It can help them in school, gives them things they will need in the future, and teaches them teamwork. The first reason for having high school sports is that it will help them in school. It will help make people work harder on their homework. They will find out that the harder they work the better the outcome is. This will help them in school because they will figure out giving the best they have will in return get the best. It also will help their grades because of this reason. It will teach them that participating is a good thing not a bad thing. This is because in sports they have to participate or they will get no where. So in school they may figure out that participating will also help them learn something new. Also by participating in things more people will be willing to listen to them. Another reason for having school sports is that it will help prepare them for the real world. For instance it teaches responsibility. It teaches this because in sports people have certain things they are in charge of and have to do. In this way it prepares them for when they get a job. They will have to do what they are expected to do and not have someone do it for them. It also teaches decision making. This is because like when they are in basketball for instance when they have the ball they have two choices, to pass the ball or shot. In this way it will help them make better decisions on what they have to do. Finally sports will teach athletes teamwork. Sports teach them that working together is better than doing it by them selves. Like in football if they don’t work together they won’t do as good. When working together there are more people to help and this makes things work better. It will also teach people that letting others help them is good not bad. It teaches them this because when letting others help them they will learn more and do better. This reason will also teach them how to help others. It will help them because they will learn from others what the best way to help people is. This is because they learn that it is not bad being helped. They will be more willing to help someone else. In high school there are many different sports that people can go out for. Some people will go out for all of them, and some people won’t go out for any. The kids that are in high 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 207 Appendices Revised November 2009 school or going to high should look at what it can teach them, or help them in. The reasons I have come up with like helping in school, teaching real world things, and in team work are three reasons to go out for high school sports. Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 210 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #119 Raising the Minimum Driving Age Imagine yourself at age sixteen…being dropped off places by your parents. The minimum driving age should not be raised because it could create problems for teens, their families, and others. The current minimum driving age is practical where it is right now. I am against raising the minimum driving age for these reasons. If the age was to be raised, people would drive more irresponsibly at an older age, it could become a hassle for parents, and there would be a greater lack of experience. Beginning, the kids who have birthdays in the summer. Pretend that the minimum driving age was raised to eighteen years old. My birthday is in the summer and I would not enjoy starting to drive alone until right before I left for college. If that was when I started driving that means I would be driving farther distances alone by myself. I would have less experience than I would if I had started driving two years before that. This could increase vehicle accidents among young adults because of the lack of experience that they received between their birthday and when they begin college. Next, having a teen driver can be very convenient for many families. A lot of teenagers have after school jobs or extra curricular activities, but their parents also have jobs which makes it nice that their teenagers can drive, so they don’t have to leave work. It is also convenient to have their younger siblings that need picked up from school or sports practices during the parent’s workday. If parents had to run their teenagers here and there all the time, it could become a hassle, not only to them but to the whole family. It could interfere with work. I know my mom wouldn’t be very happy if she had to leave her job everyday so she could take me to mine. If parents didn’t trust their teens, they wouldn’t let them drive. If teens are willing to pay for their own things, such as gas, that should be a good sign of responsibility. If you didn’t start driving until an older age, is it possible that when you should have finally started to become a more careful driver, that you wouldn’t? A lot of teenagers don’t buckle their seat belts, drive over the speed limit, and pay little attention to the road ahead of them, but over time these things can improve. They are some of the habits of drivers who begin driving around ages fifteen and sixteen. It isn’t the age that is the problem, it’s the factor of being a beginning driver. So even if the minimum driving age was raised, this could still be a problem. By the time a teenager is eighteen, these habits will have started fading away or disappear. I see some of my bad driving habits disappearing as time passes by. But if the driver doesn’t actually get to start driving until they are eighteen that’s when the careless driving 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 211 Appendices Revised November 2009 will start and probably won’t begin fading until their early twenties. And that is the time when they should start growing up mentally, not within their driving. So go back to the image of being dropped off everywhere by your parents, still not very pleasant, right? But that isn’t the big reason why the minimum driving age should stay where it’s at. Kids with summer birthdays need more than a few months of driving experience before heading off to college. Teen drivers are extremely convenient to many families. Everyone is going to have bad habits behind the wheel, no matter what age they start driving. And again, how much fun would it be to dropped off places by your parents at age sixteen? Suggestions for Revision: KSDE 6-TRAIT Scoring Manual 212 Appendices Revised November 2009 High School Persuasive Essay #120 The Value of Taking Risks and Making Mistakes “A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing,” wrote George Bernard Shaw. This is true, one can not truly live life to the fullest and experience all of the things that make life beautiful if they are not willing to put themselves out there and risk being cut open. Mistakes are simply learning tools, a means of giving us higher aspirations. They are underappreciated and should be embraced rather than shunned. Without mistakes, life would be boring, then where would we be? As small children we are naturally very accident prone creatures. Everything is new and shiny and somehow we are attracted to all of the things that are potentially harmful. Our minds are designed to want what we shouldn’t and to not do as we are told. From a psychological standpoint, the blisters that form on the burned toddler’s hand are a negative reinforcement. Once the child has experienced the pain firsthand, it will associate the heat of the stovetop or the oven with pain. After the association has been made, the child will not want to make that particular mistake again. That’s all psychobabble though. With every scrape, burn, and scar, one’s childhood becomes a long string of memories and stories that are bound to be retold as a learning tool for the next generation or just to look back on and be able laugh at the naivety that the most important characteristic of the young and carefree. In adolescence a person becomes not necessarily more accident prone, but is thrown into what seems to be an entirely different world. Between high school, parties, and finally being allowed to listen with ears uncovered while dirty jokes are told, things are definitely not the same. This is not a promotion for unsafe decisions, but realistically teen years are when one is exposed to different lifestyle choices and maybe choosing the wrong ones is the way to go. If one doesn’t allow themselves to fall while the safety net of a home they don’t have to pay for, and parents that genuinely care are still around, they will not get this particular learning opportunity and may end up making these kinds of mistakes later on when negative lifestyle choices become much more critical. Going joyriding in the middle of the night, “trespassing” on top of a building to see the city from a new point of view, listening to loud music, and maybe even smoking a little marijuana will make one see life a little differently. With no real responsibility and people to fall back on, adolescence is the ideal time to make mistakes and create stories to tell later about how stupid they were, rather than sit on the sidelines. As Chuck Palahniuk wrote, “the best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate.” No matter how dumb the decisions were, one will most always look back fondly on memories of an easier time. When the most they really 6-TRAIT Scores: Ideas and Content: Organization: Voice: Word Choice: Sentence Fluency: Conventions: Performance Levels: Composite Score: Performance Category: Scorer Commentary: