The Couple as a Living Entity: Understanding Enduring Relationships as Complex Systems, Study Guides, Projects, Research of Psychology

Download The Couple as a Living Entity: Understanding Enduring Relationships as Complex Systems and more Study Guides, Projects, Research Psychology in PDF only on Docsity! Love Lingers Here: Intimate Enduring Relationships Essay II: The Couple as a Third Entity William Bergquist I base my analysis of enduring relationships on a fundamental assumption: a couple is a living, dynamic entity that is something more than just two people living together. A couple is in essence composed of three entities: each of the partners and the couple itself. All three affect one another. A change in one has direct influence on the others. Every part of a system is so related to its fellow parts that a change in one part will cause a change in all of them and in the total system. That is (how?) a system behaves not as a single composite of independent elements, but coherently and as an inseparable whole. (Watzlawick, Bavela's and Jackson,1967, p. 123) We find support for the notion of "couple" as a discrete, third entity in a now-classic analysis of married couples: The Mirages of Marriage (1968). Written by a novelist, William Lederer, and the noted psychotherapist, Don Jackson, this book focuses on the dynamics of couples as a single, coherent entity. The authors identify the couple as one of three "systems" operating in any marriage: Marriage is a complex unit made up of at least three different but interdependent systems: the system of the male (his total being) ; the system of the female (her total being) and the marital system, deriving from the interaction of the male and female systems joined together (the compages, or relationship). The marital system springs into being spontaneously when the systems of male and female join. It is a good example of the whole being more than the sum of its parts, of one plus one equaling three. In another of the now classic books on marriage, Between Man and Women, Everett Shostrom and James Kavenaugh speak about the successful couple ("rhythmic relationship") as: "the creation of a new reality, a third substance (tertium quid), which neither individual could produce by himself." Joseph Campbell (1988) expressed something of the same thoughts in a somewhat more dramatic manner: "when you make the sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but to unity in the relationship.” In recent years, this notion of groups of people and organizations being considered autonomous entities in their own right, as something more than the sum of the parts (the members of the group or organization) has been labeled "system theory”. At the heart of this theory is the notion not only that systems (whether they are couples or corporations) lead their own autonomous lives and find their own distinctive directions, but also are composed of parts that are intricately interwoven. Each of the parts of the system is dependent on all the other parts for its identity, its purpose and even its ability to stay alive. This is what Scott Page and many other system theorists call “complexity.” A complicated system will have many working parts. In a complex system these parts are all interwoven and interdependent. This notion of interweaving is particularly appropriate when applied to the system which we are calling an "enduring relationship." As Thomas Moore (1994, p. 47) noted, many cultures emphasize processes that weave together families, communities and even nations, as well as work and creative endeavors. A relationship is woven together precisely because it operates as a single system, consisting of the two partners and their own individual needs and stories, the couple's history (as told through their stories), the couple's covenant (concerning mutual commitments and values) and various social expectations that impact on the couple's sense of itself a a single entity. As we shall note repeatedly in telling and analyzing the stories of enduring couples, certain key events tend to inform partners in a relationship that the "couple" does exist and that they constitute this new entity. The key events might be marriage, moving in together, buying a house together, or having a child. The reality of this new entity is reinforced by social and legal custom. The "couple" gets invited to parties, is asked to join clubs, is requested to file a joint tax return, and in some states is required to jointly own all property. At certain critical moments in the lives navigated by our couples through the complex and challenging journey of intimacy. Sources of Information There are three sources of wisdom and information of which I availed myself in preparing this set of essays. The primary source of information is a set of interviews which were conducted by ourselves and our associates over a twenty year period with 120 couples. These interviews were conducted by more than one hundred graduate students at The Professional School of Psychology. In many instances, I made direct use of the rich, insightful case studies prepared by these students for courses they were taking on adult development and the psychology of couples. Second, I must admit to making use of my own personal experiences, Those who know me might recognize my life in this book as a partner in two enduring relationships. I have been in an intimate and enduring relationship that some would describe as "successful" and another that was clearly “unsuccessful” in several regards. These are important lessons to be learned and shared from both the peaks and valleys. Last but not least, I borrow from the stories told by couples I know personally, as well as from my informal observations of their interactions together. I apologize for my unauthorized snooping into the lives of my friends and extended family, and hope they will appreciate the ways in which I have disguised their identities. I think we are now ready to begin the exploratory journey into the lives of men and women who are involved, intimately, in a long-term (enduring) relationship. I begin in the next essay (#3) with the stories (often myths) we are told about “living happily ever after” with a partner. __________ References Campbell, J. (1988) The Power of Myth (with Bill Moyers). www.mysticfire.com Lederer, W. and Jackson, D. (1968) The Mirages of Marriage. New York: W. W. Norton. Miller, J. and Page, S. (2007) Complex Adaptive Systems. Princeton, N. J.: Princeton University Press. Moore, T. Soul Mates. (1994) New York: Harper Perennial. Shostrom, E. and Kavanaugh, J. (1975) Between Man and Woman. New York: Bantam. Watzlawick, P., Beavin, J. H. and Jackson, D.D. (1967) Pragmatics of Human Communication. New York: Norton