The Role of Social Influence in Language Change: A Case Study of Secondary Umlaut, Exams of German Philology

Download The Role of Social Influence in Language Change: A Case Study of Secondary Umlaut and more Exams German Philology in PDF only on Docsity! MILC 7 [no:hekan] October 9, 2004 8:00ish The program: Get with it. In 12 steps or however many it takes. If you don’t get help here, please get help somewhere. ¡Sí, es el Sábado gigante! 2 The ground rules • Sign the oath. We mean it. • All papers 8:30-8:33. • Time limits will be strictly enforced. • Good luck finding anything remotely resembling presentations. • There is a nominal charge for AV equipment and a verbal charge for copying handouts. • The bathrooms are over there. • Refreshments served only during breaks. • ID required, please tip your waitperson generously. • Keep your hands where I can see them. • Ultra licitum! Hoc volo, sic jubeo! The ‘Papers’ Phonetics and phonology Speech on Ice: Acoustic effects of mouthguards on hockey talk Martin Brodeur, Dept of Dental Prosthetics, CCM/Easton Labs [m, , l, c]: Discovery of a new natural class A. U. & A. W., U. of A. Défense or defénse? Why we don’t give a rat’s ass Barry Alvarez & Mike Sherman I Wish I Could Produce English Sounds: Even that dumbshit Paris Hilton can do THAT Tim, the Cat Language learning, or not ME WANT COOKIE!  An examination of the link between Sesame Street and Child Language Acquisition The letter V The Communicative Classroom: A Jerry Springer Model of Language Learning Miranda E. Wilkerson& Adam L. Woodis Do the write thing, yadda yadda Autoschwimmbad blah blah blabbity blah blah CJJ, UW One Hündred Consonants of Solitüde, or, the Evolütion of German into Czech by Americans: SLA meets Critical Theory R. Jakobson (Prague) & Slavoj ›i¢ek, The European Graduate School Sex, Drugs, Heavy Breathing and Language change Loose Tongues: A Look at the Role of Oral Transmission in the Process of Secondary Umlaut Shannon A. Dubenion-Smith Alcohol motivation theory A. Anonymous 5 Intervention Effects on a Remote Desert Island Big Blonde Girl Oh Happy Day: The linearization of event structure by Vi Agra Language and Immigration Aunt Ollie G’s German-American Language Lessons Cora Lee Kluge Outsourcing English: Concluding Scientific Postscript on the History of a Vanishing Future B. Venkat Mani I Still Hafn’t Found Dat Government Vaste Ahnold de Governator This language is my language, this language is your language, from California to the Penutian Waters, but it’s my language, so only I can work on it, are you clear on that? J.P. Harrington Lexical semantics Spelunking is a Funny Word Monty Burns, Power Plant Mogul Thinking ain’t drinking: On lexico-semantic contrast Moe Sizlak Junior High German: A Problem in Sociolinguistics Steve Krause, UW-Madison, Public School Survivor When Bush comes to Shove J. Kerry Language, Litterchur, and much more (a sop to our friends in the MLA) Alpha: A Moving Case, Part I ei ti cummings She's Such A "B": Sound Symbolism in the Post-Feminist Era The letter B 1st Annual MILC Writing Workshop Andrea Menz 6 The ‘abstracts’ In alphabetical order by author’s last name at least when we could figure out what the hell their last name is because we know that otherwise you could never find them and it’s really important to read the abstract before you go to a talk, right? She's Such A "B": Sound Symbolism in the Post-Feminist Era by the letter “B” From the academic arena to the world of pop culture, B-words are being reclaimed by feminists, post-feminists, and non-feminists. Whether it is "bimbo" as in Diane Price Herndl's article "Johnny Mnemonic Meets the Bimbo: Feminist Pedagogy and Postmodern Performance" or the self-naming of singer/songwriter as "Bitch," B-words abound. This paper will explore the phenomena of "B" words as a natural expressiveness of post-feminist culture. In particular, it will discuss the semantic implications of these phonetic sequences and at least one physiological basis for these habits (namely, the fact that it feels good when that "B" sound rolls around your tongue and shoots out from your lips when calling someone a "bitch"). Cultural productions -- from blogs (The Bitch Girls, Ima Bimbo) to magazines (Bitch, Bust) to girl bands (7 Year Bitch, Bitch and Animal) -- will be discussed as evidence of the theory. MEG Studies of Paris Hilton The Bachelor, MIT Background readings are available at http://www.who2.com/parishilton.html Much insight into Paris Hilton has been gained through reaction time (RT) studies using, e.g., Paris Hilton tasks. However, RTs become difficult to interpret when different stimulus factors interact in complex ways. MEG provides additional data that allow direct study of these interacting variables. I will discuss some MEG experiments from the MIT MEG Lab showing that the "M350" response, originating perhaps in the superior temporal sulcus or the middle temporal gyrus and peaking about 350ms after stimulus onset, indexes activation of Paris Hilton, as opposed to indexing some post Paris Hilton operation involving Paris Hilton items (e.g., Paris Hilton decision itself or semantic integration of a perceived Paris Hilton with context). I will set these experiments in a broader discussion of the proper interplay between neuro and "theoretical" Paris Hilton and suggest ways in which further Paris Hilton experiments might address certain theoretical questions about the nature of Paris Hilton and inflectional morphology. Speech on Ice: Acoustic effects of mouthguards on hockey talk Martin Brodeur, Dept of Dental Prosthetics, CCM/Easton Labs Surprisingly, the study of mouthguards in hockey focuses almost solely on their alleged protection against dental injury and concussion. Indeed, aside from required warnings on labels (cf. “Do not chew your mouthguard.”), little has been written about the articulatory consequences of wearing these annoying creatures. I’m here to plug that like I do the 3-hole on a screaming blue-line slapshot off Chris Chelios’s stick. 7 So I cut now to the chase. Occlusion is hard with a mouth guard (leaving aside missing teeth) and even bilabial stops often spirantize, e.g. p > f. For many speakers, labiality is impeded on back vowels which are also often shortened (for reasons not yet fully understood), yielding changes like /u:/ > []. The communicative consequences are obvious in light of common utterances like the defenseman’s “Get the puck out of here” or the winger’s “Shoot! Shoot!’. Alpha: A Moving Case, Part I ei ti cummings The sound of the door slamming echoed through my empty category of an apartment. “It’s over, you dick! Over!” Candy yelled as she made her exit. I wanted to yell back at her but there was only a gap where my retort should have been. I knew I had to get her out of my mind, but my feelings about her had me tied up like crossing association lines. I couldn’t get too mad about what she called me. I am a dick. A beagle. A birddog. A ferret. A flatfoot. A gumshoe. A hawkshaw. A P.I. A shadow. A sleuth. A snoop. A tail. A tec. A tracer. Yeah, you got it. A detective with a thesaurus. And I needed to get my mind off Candy’s double object construction and back onto the case. See, someone had been leaving bodies in his — or her — path. Their throats were torn out like an argument from its underlying position. The cops were coming up empty, looking down garden paths and finding only narrow scope. Since the first victim was my first sister, I had an interest in the case, whether it be nominative or accusative. I had to get this killer before the whole derivation crashed. Alpha nudged my hand, letting me know it was time to move. Alpha’s my dog. My c- commanding eye dog. Yeah, I’m blind. Sightless. Unsighted. Unseeing. But that doesn’t mean I’m careless, heedless, ignorant, imperceptive, inattentive, inconsiderate, indiscriminate, injudicious, insensitive, myopic, nearsighted, neglectful, oblivious, thoughtless, unaware, unconscious, undiscerning, unmindful, unobservant, or unreasoning. Remember, I’m a dick. A beagle. Well, you know the drill. Alpha guided me to the door. We vacated the apartment, leaving not a trace behind. Or so we thought. TO BE CONTINUED… Loose Tongues: A Look at the Role of Oral Transmission in the Process of Secondary Umlaut Shannon A. Dubenion-Smith This paper presents an alternative approach to the process of secondary umlaut, one based on an 11th-century document discovered folded up in the back of a recently recovered copy of the 16th-century bestseller das Luthertum: eine einführunc. Secondary umlaut, the fronting of the OHG vowels â, o, ô, u, and û, is traditionally described in the literature as a palatalization triggered by the presence of a following i or j. By nature of the triggering environment, secondary umlaut is generally characterized as a regular sound change in the Neogrammarian sense with exceptions in a limited set of phonetic environments. However, cultural studies such as Fichtenau (1984), which investigates social ordo in the German-speaking areas of the 10th and 11th centuries, in conjunction with the recently discovered 11th-century document entitled anmaher vür snelle degene, suggest that the sound changes involved in secondary umlaut were not, in fact, triggered 10 Would you like some coffee with your MILC?: An Examination of the Latte Ordering Principle (LOP)4,5 by Gloria Jean and Victoria Allen Starbigbucks University PROM (People’s Republic of Madison) Frustrated by the negative impact on sales due to customer confusion over the ordering of coffee drinks, Starbigbucks University hired a team of crack syntacticians (read: syntacticians on crack) to help implement a top-down ordering strategy to aid in efficiency and allow barristas a sense of superiority over the uninitiated. The result of this research has been the development of the LOP, the Latte Ordering Principle. The Latte Ordering Principle specifies the individual constituents of the coffee bar: COFFEE -> (Det)(Size)(Flavor)(Milk) COFFEE IP PRN I’ I VP V COFFEE’ I will have a grande caramel soy macchiato. It is interesting to note that while most adjuncts often consist of, or at least contain, a prepositional phrase, coffee bars are PP free. In addition to synchronic data gathered in franchises worldwide, LOP is also supported by diachronic evidence recently uncovered lining a birdcage in a monastery in the Alsace region. It was discovered to contain what appear to be some of Nottker’s personal shopping lists as well a missing entry to the Pariser Gespräche: 4 Summarized from forthcoming book, February 2005. Advanced reviewer comments: “I have no idea who these people are, or why they think they’ve taken a syntax class from me. I mean, really, an X’ without an XP? Ridiculous.” Mark Louden, Master Syntactician, UW- Madison.“Good it looks to me.” Yoda, Master Jedi, Dagobah University. 5 We would like to thank the Starbigbuck’s patrons, whose copious coffee purchases fund vital research such as the LOP Project. Keep drinkin’ them Frappaccinos®. 11 Gimer mîn ros. Give me my horse. Gimer mîn schelt. Give me my shield. Gimer mîn grahnde môkka halb-skîm, Give me my large mocha half-skim, halb-2% chai latteh. half 2% chai latte. Despite the obvious advantages of the LOP, some retailers refuse to comply – and they therefore must be assimilated. Most notably, the refusal of Italian sizing standards by multiple competitors confuses customers with a plethora of ordering options. This cannot be tolerated. To prevent lengthy ramblings such as: “Um, could I have a coffee – house blend, I guess small, with – what kind of flavors do you have? – okay, caramel, oh, and can I get that with skim milk?” LOP must be universally accepted. So next time you’re grabbing a latte at your nearest Starbigbuck’s, or the one across the street, make sure you order efficiently with the LOP, and remember, tip your barrista! Also forthcoming from Starbigbucks University Press: GET YOUR MORPH ON! Hard core conjugation! Full contact declination! No-forms-barred pluralization! All-out ablaut! Morpholicious! X-TREME MORPHOLOGY* Are you linguist enough? *Please do not participate in X-Treme Morphology without proper pads and helmet. Side effects may include: migraine, nausea, dry mouth, chafing and nosebleed. 12 Aunt Ollie G’s German-American Language Lessons, 4th ed. (Milwaukee: Mahler and Wendt, 1869). Cora Lee Kluge, Smart woman The other day in a quaint little bookstore, I ran across a book meant for helping folks to learn the language of German-America, as it was called, whose center was Milwaukee. By the middle of the nineteenth century, the need for more or less correct speakers of this new language was clearly on the rise. At that point, speakers of immigrant German were not yet able to deal with its intricacies, while native speakers of English (although they had already been deemed a hopeless cause when it came to foreign-language learning) had woken up to the fact that they might need facility in the German-American language, too. Applied linguists were jumping at the chance to produce a textbook, vocabulary lists, pronunciation aids, exercises, and so on—and thus to make a profit. From advertisements published in newspapers of the day, it is obvious that many such books appeared. Regrettably, Aunt Ollie G’s is the only surviving example, and thus we cannot say whether it was one of the 15 Outsourcing English: Concluding Scientific Postscript on the History of a Vanishing Future B. Venkat Mani Department of German, UW-Madison This paper is inspired by the title of a highly acclaimed series in literary theory, “Post Contemporary Interventions” (Editors Stanley Fish and Fredric Jameson, Duke University Press). Beginning with an analysis of the semiotic implications of the expression “Post Contemporary”, the author traces the intellectual history of rhetorical expressions employed by scholars of literature from the early 20th century to the present. At the core of this investigation is a desire to identify the precise moment, when literary critics turned into literary theorists; formulations like ‘critique’ and ‘theorize’ gained the much coveted status—that of verbs—in the English language. The paper is an examination of the register of theoretical rhetoric, and its always already borrowed origins, from Latin and Greek up until the mid 20th century, to French during the 1960s and 1970s, to German in the 1980s and 1990s, and Spanish in the late 1990s. The paper exposes the socio-political contexts in which these languages became the feeder-canals of theoretical English. Next, it lays bare the sad circumstances leading to the (yet undeclared) demise of Post Modernism and Post Structuralism. Upholding the claim that German and French or even Spanish can no more provide stimulation and substance to the specialized language of literary theory, the author presents the danger of a complete annihilation that the theory industry faces today. As a solution to prevent mass-unemployment of literary theorists working for Anglo- American universities, as well as to provide employment to the educated youth of Maybe-They- Are-Developed-After-All countries like India and China, the author suggests an immediate outsourcing of the English language; to be embarked upon symbolically by moving the office of the MLA from New York to New Delhi. In addition, the author calls for the establishment of Panini Oriental Services for Theoretical Concoction Research and Application (POSTCRAP) in New Delhi, Bombay, Madras, and Calcutta, eventually making its way as the Confucius Oriental etc. etc. (COSTCRAP) in Beijing, Shanghai, Chengdu, and Chongqing. These centers will provide employment opportunities to qualified Humanities Graduates from Indian and Chinese Universities to concoct, fabricate, and reconstruct the English syntax and vocabulary—i.e. do the groundwork—for literary theorists in the Anglo-American academy. In addition, the software programmers at these centers will work towards legitimization and acceptability of words like “Gendered” and “Performativity” in Mac and Window programs. Only then, concludes the author, will there finally be a global alliance between the town and the gown, no matter how far the town is from the seat of the gown. The endangered species of “Post” Theorists will be saved, theory will no longer be the elite property of the Germans and the French. Most importantly, English will finally be established as the most important global language. 1st Annual MILC Writing Workshop – led by Andrea Menz Saturday, Oct. 9, 2004, 7:60pm - Van Hise 123 – BYOGM* The first WARM MILC also brings us the advent of the annual MILC Writing Workshop, which will focus this year on titling linguistics articles for journal submission. Advice on successful article titling has been derived over several months from a thorough study of articles that have been accepted for publication in a variety of academic journals. Topics of discussion will range from how to include an example in your title of the construction you are writing about to the question of how important it really is for your title to convey the topic of your article. We will discuss in detail how the following articles exemplify important titling techniques. Participants are encouraged to prepare for discussion by reading the articles in advance. Kjellmer, G. 1977. "Why is Winnie the Pooh? On the use of the definite article in some English personal names." English Studies 58:508-514. 16 Rudanko, J. 1993. "Reducing someone to grovelling: Aspects of an object-control pattern in Present-Day English." English Studies 74:485-495. Swiggers, P. 1985. "How to order eggs in French." Folia Linguistica 19:63-66. Tieken-Boon von Ostade, I. 1985. "'I will be drowned and no man shall save me': The conventional rules for shall and will in eighteenth-century English grammars." English Studies 66:123-142. Wieser, E. 1986. "On the splitting in English of the of-genitive." English Studies 67:57-71. Zwicky, A. M. 1976. "Well this rock and roll has got to stop. Junior's head is hard as a rock." Chicago Linguistic Society 12:676-697. Zwicky, A. M. & E. D. Zwicky 1986. "Imperfect puns, markedness, and phonological similarity: With fronds like these, who needs anemones?" Folia Linguistica 20:493-503. *Bring your own gas mask Come on, sheeple, reject the globaloney! Michael Moore, Slacktivist & Blogger Are you as sick as I am of the belligirati, bogsats, and barking heads feeding us bafflegab, bomfog, and globaloney, pushing their neverendums ad nauseum (for details see “Slang only a Velcroid could love”, New York Times, Week in Review, Sunday Oct. 3, 2004, p. 5)? It’s time for slacktivism from us ordinary folks, with our allies, the conchies, actorists and politainers. What, you Republican plants dare to ask, does this have to do with linguistics? I say to you, we will take back the blends! Verbing may weird language (cf. Calvin, ca. 1995), but nouniness (H. Ross ca. 1965) is necessary. [m, , l, c]: Discovery of a new natural class A. U. & A. W. U. of A. In this paper, we present evidence for the discovery of a new natural class of phonological elements. Specifically, we argue for the existence of an innate, pre-wired natural class consisting of the segments [m, , l, c]. The first piece of evidence for this natural class is distributional in nature. Observation of the University of Wisconsin, Madison Department of Linguistics indicates that in 5 of the previous 6 years, this natural class has occurred predictably on an annual basis. It seems plausible to entertain the hypothesis that this natural class will occur again, within the first two weeks of October, 2004. Upon closer inspection, one could voice an objection to this distributional evidence on the basis that it appears to involve variation. However, this objection turns out to be unjustified. The following data illustrate the situation: (1) a. Madison Informal Linguistics Colloquium b. Madison Informal Linguistics Collective c. Madison Informal Linguistics Conference d. Madison Informal Linguistics.com e. Madison Insurgent Linguistics Conspiracy 17 Note that each of the four lexical items in each of the five tokens seen in (1a-e) is in a correspondence relation to a member of the natural class [m, , l, c]. Variation occurs in the final member of this set: the segment [c] has five distinguished exponents: Colloquium, Collective, Conference, Com, and Conspiracy. This variation is not indicative of five distinguished items however; we postulate that these items are allomorphs of a single morpheme, whose distribution is predictable on the basis of their temporal environment. Under this view, such variation is fully expected and is in fact predicted to cooccur with each realization of the natural class [m, , l, c]. The final piece of evidence in favor of the innateness of this natural class is the failure to identify any plausible external reason for this degree of concentrated silliness. Word count: 300 ME WANT COOKIE!  An examination of the link between Sesame Street and Child Language Acquisition Brought to you by the letter V. This paper compares two competing hypotheses regarding the potential negative effects of ungrammatical language input on child language acquisition.  According to one school of thought (i.e., my mother's), the connection between input such as (1) and a correspondingly flawed adult grammar is direct and obvious, and therefore reason to prohibit children from watching Sesame Street. (1) *Me want cookie!        I   want  a cookie/that cookie/all the cookies/every cookie       'Give me the cookie now.' The competing hypothesis suggests that prohibiting a child from watching Sesame Street is potentially more damaging, from a sociological perspective, due to the absence of an otherwise ubiquitous and homogenizing touchstone of pop culture in the child's life, thus leaving the child susceptible to feelings of exclusion by her peers. Counterevidence (in the form of myself, who managed to watch Sesame Street on the sly) is provided as argument against the first hypothesis. Evidence of Proto-Indo-European Aspirated Stops in Modern English When Walking All the Way Up the Stairs to the Eighth Floor of Van Hise and Trying to Carry On a Conversation with Someone Else who is also Walking up the Stairs By Jennifer Ward Observant student 20  At the end of the hour, share a “final word” with the students. This follow-up only needs to be about 5 to 10 minutes long, but you should explain the issues involved with their mistakes, where they can go for grammar counseling, etc. As TA Heini so eloquently states, “By allowing for a few extra minutes to reflect on the day’s class, you, as a teacher, reign as the authority figure, and that just feels damn good.” This paper begins to draw a picture of what happens in a real communicative classroom environment despite the fact that several crucial steps remain in determining the long-term effects of this model as the current study is not longitudinal in design. Thus, whatever clinical treatments, counseling, or attorney fees that may ensue from this type of experimental design are clearly beyond the scope of the present paper. Alcohol motivation theory A. Anonymous Social network theory as an explanation for linguistic change has purported to explain how card-playing buddies get to coming up with new slang, quirks in their speech and, more importantly, how language changes evolve when a new person comes into the card-playing circle. In this example of a weak tie waiting to turn into a strong tie, alcohol plays an integral role in acclimatizing a new speech participant to a different speech community, thus changing the speakers’ idiolect. However, the reverse is also true for the group, for who the new card-playing member hangs out with and, as we shall see in this paper, what s/he drinks, clearly stands out as the primary cause for certain linguistic phenomena, most notably palatalization in Indo-European languages. Previous research relating to geographically-explained phenomena in word languages has been disproven and held as popular myth. Features such as breathiness of a language were previously ascribed to high altitudes and cold regions, whereas elision of consonants and, interestingly enough, fast or slow speech ascribed to hot, southern climes. The result of such assumptions in the beginning of the last century is to discount just how important Mother/Father Earth is in shaping how we speak. Using alcohol motivation theory, I will analyze phenomena in European languages that are present in regions with good wine, and, in so doing, I will open up a call for research in dialectology where beer, scotch, bourbon and rum are widely consumed. As wine developed in quality during and after the fall of the Roman empire, Latin shifted from a classical variety attested in the works of Virgil (30-20 B.C.) and others to a vulgar Latin marked most notably with gemination induced by the yod, semivowels or anywhere else it was socially acceptable to slur out a geminate consonant, followed by palatalization in the Iberian varieties, namely Spanish, Portuguese, Catalonian, and Galician. Imbibing a robust, fruity red wine caused the Iberians to slur their speech causing this gemination. The word “cry” for example: PLORARE > llorar (Span.) chorar (Port.) PLUVIA > lluvia (Span.) chuva (Port.) First of all, PL is a hard combination so the “p” got lost. Then the semivowel caused gemination to <ll>, which later palatalized. Port wine, a fortified red wine, very sweet and fruity in flavor, 21 would likely have caused a much more drastic change in the northern region of Portugal, but it would not be developed until the XVIIIth Century, but further study would show that it is presently exerting a change on the northern variety of Portuguese. Further research needs to be conducted on how the rich, modestly-priced wines set into motion a whole line of nasalization. The wines of France have had a different sort of effect on that language. Such is the pride of the French for their wine that they have a very complex orthography which has nothing to do with the spoken language, quite like the price of a French wine—its bouquet and color are not necessarily proportionate to the price of $30-$50 a bottle. Still, the French, sitting for hours at the dining table, drink a lot of it and there has been so much elision of consonants. Back to the same example: PLORARE> pleurer Most interestingly, no palatalization occurred in that particular instance. More research needs to be done taste-testing the (expensive) French wines and comparing the quality with palatalization. Of further consideration is the influence of the Academie Française on linguistic innovations. Surely choosing which words go into the dictionary would require at least a few sips of wine, thus masking true innovation of the language under the guise of a standard language. It would seem that since palatals abound in the French language that there must be a correlation with the wines drunk by the locals and linguistic innovation. Therefore, we need a French national to infiltrate the tighter social circles of the French to monitor to what extent linguistic change is occurring today. Like many a political/cultural entity, la Academie Française is surely hiding something from us. Alcohol Motivation Theory developed in the valleys of the Mosel, just upstream where the Mosel and the Rhein meet at Koblenz, a short train ride from Köln. The fine white wines flowing down the two rivers and the linguistic innovation that they brought about are made incarnate in the names of the two cities, one which doesn’t sleep and the other that doesn’t really wake up or is just enjoying a white wine – a local Straußwirtschaft. The following quote clearly evidences how wine has had its effect on the language, the so-called “Kowelenzer Platt”: Klor läit die tatsach off der Hand, on jedermann moß bekenne, dat vurnehm net noch elegant ons „Kowelenzer Platt“ ze nenne. On doch hann schunns vor Johre sich, wie dä Chronist hat festgehalle, dä Görres und Ferscht Metternich en onser Mondart onnerhalle. (J. Moos) The name of the city alone merits mention: Lat. CONFLUENTES > Koblenz. Surely a nice chilled white wine must have cause the labiodental fricative to change to a bilabial stop! Kölsch has its own unique characteristics, undoubtedly due to wine being transported on the river. But the fact that it’s a beer city must be further investigated. And they, unlike the French did stand up against spelling reform imposed upon their dialect saying with a fine Kölsch glass in hand: “Wat soll dä Quatsch?” With all likelihood, the inhabitants of Köln said the same of the Latin name for their settlement: COLONIA AGRIPPINAS > Köln. In a separate paper, I will explore how the blight that killed all of the grapevines in the north of Germany blocked sk>sch. Due to time constraints, the implications are just too great to further explore here. A bit to the west, we have to consider Anglo-Frisian brightening that countered the 22 effects of wine passing through on the Rhein going off for export. Undoubtedly, Anglo-Frisian brightening is the only thing holding the Napa Valley, New Zealand and Australia back from a radical transformation of the language which would have rendered those dialects incomprehensible to the English speaker. Finally, in another paper, I will lay out how extra articulatory effort is occurring by the shipmen drinking Chilean wine. The palatal fricative <ll> is pronounced as [j] in the Spanish of Buenos Aires, whereas in the Pampas that is not the case. For those that drink the Argentinean wine which is not as full-bodied, there is less articulatory effort, which has caused the <ll> to be pronounced as [sh], previously merely ascribed as a characteristic of the lower class. Alcohol Motivation Theory has revealed why. Lippi-Green and Milroy really need to reanalyze their data and go back and ask the individuals whom they studied what they drink. Surely they would then find a more unifying theory as to why language motivation takes place. It also needs to be done quickly; in this global society it is way too easy to get a lovely wine, a Grolsch, a Warsteiner or, heaven forbid, a shot of Jägermeister, even here in Wisconsin. It is with this in mind that I urge all of you linguists out their to note what effect each of the fine beverages you have imbibed tonight have had on your speech. Not only should it convince you of Alcohol Motivation Theory, but it should also excite you to think that there may just be a grant out there which will allow you to unabashedly go forth and drink and travel to refine existent dialect maps not taking into account card-playing buddies’ drinks of choice. Signed, Anonymously by a tall, fashionable, still sober, but wishing he had a nice glass of wine, advanced German grad student who speaks Spanish, Portuguese and can order wine and escargot in French.