Apuntes sobre The Importance of Being Earnest, Apuntes de Teatro

¡Descarga Apuntes sobre The Importance of Being Earnest y más Apuntes en PDF de Teatro solo en Docsity! FIRST ACT SCENE: Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room. LANE is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, ALGERNON enters. ALGERNON Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? LANE I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. ALGERNON I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately -- any one can play accurately -- but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life. LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? LANE Yes, sir. (Hands them on a salver) ALGERNON (inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa) Oh!... by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed. LANE Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint. ALGERNON Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. LANE I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand. ALGERNON Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that? LANE I believe it IS a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person. ALGERNON (languidly) I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane. LANE No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself. ALGERNON Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. LANE Thank you, sir. LANE goes out. ALGERNON Lanes views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility. Enter LANE. LANE Mr. Ernest Worthing. Enter JACK. LANE goes out. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-2 JACK (advancing to table and helping himself) And very good bread and butter it is too. ALGERNON Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don't think you ever will be. JACK Why on earth do you say that? ALGERNON Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right. JACK Oh, that is nonsense! ALGERNON It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don't give my consent. JACK Your consent! ALGERNON My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. (Rings bell) JACK Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily. Enter LANE. ALGERNON Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking- room the last time he dined here. LANE Yes, sir. LANE goes out. JACK Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-5 ALGERNON Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up. JACK There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found. Enter LANE with the cigarette case on a salver. ALGERNON takes it at once. LANE goes out. ALGERNON I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. (Opens case and examines it) However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after all. JACK Of course it's mine. (Moving to him) You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case. ALGERNON Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read. JACK I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back. ALGERNON Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't know any one of that name. JACK Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt. ALGERNON Your aunt! JACK Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy. ALGERNON (retreating to back of sofa) But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-6 (MORE) (Reading) 'From little Cecily with her fondest love.' JACK (moving to sofa and kneeling upon it) My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case. (Follows ALGERNON round the room) ALGERNON Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? 'From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all; it is Ernest. JACK It isn't Ernest; it's Jack. ALGERNON You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest- looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your cards. Here is one of them. (Taking it from case) 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.' I'll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else. (Puts the card in his pocket) JACK Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country. ALGERNON Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once. JACK My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression, THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-7 ALGERNON (cont'd) the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent... and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It in simply washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules. JACK I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr... with your invalid friend who has the absurd name. ALGERNON Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it. JACK That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunbury. ALGERNON Then your wife will. You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none. JACK (sententiously) That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years. ALGERNON Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time. JACK For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be cynical. ALGERNON My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's such a lot of beastly competition about. (The sound of an electric bell is heard) Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis's? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-10 ALGERNON (cont'd) JACK I suppose so, if you want to. ALGERNON Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. Enter LANE. LANE Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. ALGERNON goes forward to meet them. Enter LADY BRACKNELL and GWENDOLEN. LADY BRACKNELL Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well. ALGERNON I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta. LADY BRACKNELL That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. (Sees JACK and bows to him with icy coldness) ALGERNON (to GWENDOLEN) Dear me, you are smart! GWENDOLEN I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing? JACK You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax. GWENDOLEN Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. GWENDOLEN and JACK sit down together in the corner. LADY BRACKNELL I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me. ALGERNON Certainly, Aunt Augusta. (Goes over to tea-table) THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-11 LADY BRACKNELL Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen? GWENDOLEN Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am. ALGERNON (picking up empty plate in horror) Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially. LANE (gravely) There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice. ALGERNON No cucumbers! LANE No, sir. Not even for ready money. ALGERNON That will do, Lane, thank you. LANE Thank you, sir. (Goes out) ALGERNON I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money. LADY BRACKNELL It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now. ALGERNON I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. LADY BRACKNELL It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. (ALGERNON crosses and hands tea) Thank you. I've quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's delightful to watch them. ALGERNON I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-12 JACK You really love me, Gwendolen? GWENDOLEN Passionately! JACK Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me. GWENDOLEN My own Ernest! JACK But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't Ernest? GWENDOLEN But your name is Ernest. JACK Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn't love me then? GWENDOLEN (glibly) Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them. JACK Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about the name of Ernest... I don't think the name suits me at all. GWENDOLEN It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations. JACK Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name. GWENDOLEN Jack?... No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations... I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-15 JACK Gwendolen, I must get christened at once -- I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost. GWENDOLEN Married, Mr. Worthing? JACK (astounded) Well... surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. GWENDOLEN I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on. JACK Well... may I propose to you now? GWENDOLEN I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you. JACK Gwendolen! GWENDOLEN Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? JACK You know what I have got to say to you. GWENDOLEN Yes, but you don't say it. JACK Gwendolen, will you marry me? (Goes on his knees) GWENDOLEN Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose. JACK My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you. GWENDOLEN Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-16 (MORE) blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present. Enter LADY BRACKNELL. LADY BRACKNELL Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous. GWENDOLEN Mamma! (He tries to rise; she restrains him) I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet. LADY BRACKNELL Finished what, may I ask? GWENDOLEN I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. They rise together. LADY BRACKNELL Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself... And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage. GWENDOLEN (reproachfully) Mamma! LADY BRACKNELL In the carriage, Gwendolen! (GWENDOLEN goes to the door. She and JACK blow kisses to each other behind LADY BRACKNELL'S back. LADY BRACKNELL looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round) Gwendolen, the carriage! GWENDOLEN Yes, mamma. (Goes out, looking back at JACK) THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-17 GWENDOLEN (cont'd) JACK Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist. LADY BRACKNELL Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living? JACK I have lost both my parents. LADY BRACKNELL To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy? JACK I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me... I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was... well, I was found. LADY BRACKNELL Found! JACK The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort. LADY BRACKNELL Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you? JACK (gravely) In a hand-bag. LADY BRACKNELL A hand-bag? JACK (very seriously) Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag -- a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it -- an ordinary hand-bag in fact. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-20 LADY BRACKNELL In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag? JACK In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own. LADY BRACKNELL The cloak-room at Victoria Station? JACK Yes. The Brighton line. LADY BRACKNELL The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak- room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion -- has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now -- but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society. JACK May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness. LADY BRACKNELL I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over. JACK Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing- room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. LADY BRACKNELL Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter -- a girl brought up with the utmost care -- to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing! LADY BRACKNELL sweeps out in majestic indignation. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-21 JACK Good morning! (ALGERNON, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door) For goodness' sake don't play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic you are! The music stops and ALGERNON enters cheerily. ALGERNON Didn't it go off all right, old boy? You don't mean to say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always refusing people. I think it is most ill-natured of her. JACK Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never met such a Gorgon... I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair... I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn't talk about your own aunt in that way before you. ALGERNON My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. JACK Oh, that is nonsense! ALGERNON It isn't! JACK Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things. ALGERNON That is exactly what things were originally made for. JACK Upon my word, if I thought that, I'd shoot myself... (A pause) You don't think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-22 ALGERNON Well, I'm hungry. JACK I never knew you when you weren't... ALGERNON What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre? JACK Oh no! I loathe listening. ALGERNON Well, let us go to the Club? JACK Oh, no! I hate talking. ALGERNON Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten? JACK Oh, no! I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly. ALGERNON Well, what shall we do? JACK Nothing! ALGERNON It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. Enter LANE. LANE Miss Fairfax. Enter GWENDOLEN. LANE goes out. ALGERNON Gwendolen, upon my word! GWENDOLEN Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing. ALGERNON Really, Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all. GWENDOLEN Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-25 ALGERNON retires to the fireplace. JACK My own darling! GWENDOLEN Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old- fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three. But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you. JACK Dear Gwendolen! GWENDOLEN The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination. The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the country? JACK The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. ALGERNON, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt- cuff. Then picks up the Railway Guide. GWENDOLEN There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require serious consideration. I will communicate with you daily. JACK My own one! GWENDOLEN How long do you remain in town? JACK Till Monday. GWENDOLEN Good! Algy, you may turn round now. ALGERNON Thanks, I've turned round already. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-26 GWENDOLEN You may also ring the bell. JACK You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling? GWENDOLEN Certainly. JACK (to LANE, who now enters) I will see Miss Fairfax out. LANE Yes, sir. JACK and GWENDOLEN go off. LANE presents several letters on a salver to ALGERNON. It is to be surmised that they are bills, as ALGERNON, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up. ALGERNON A glass of sherry, Lane. LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON To-morrow, Lane, I'm going Bunburying. LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits... LANE Yes, sir. (Handing sherry) ALGERNON I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane. LANE It never is, sir. ALGERNON Lane, you're a perfect pessimist. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I-27 place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother. CECILY I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much. CECILY begins to write in her diary. MISS PRISM (shaking her head) I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother's admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment's notice. As a man sows so let him reap. You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary at all. CECILY I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. If I didn't write them down, I should probably forget all about them. MISS PRISM Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with us. CECILY Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us. MISS PRISM Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days. CECILY Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don't like novels that end happily. They depress me so much. MISS PRISM The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means. CECILY I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel ever published? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-30 MISS PRISM (cont'd) MISS PRISM Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. (CECILY starts) I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations are profitless. CECILY (smiling) But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden. MISS PRISM (rising and advancing) Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure. Enter CANON CHASUBLE. CHASUBLE And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well? CECILY Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble. MISS PRISM Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. CECILY No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in. CHASUBLE I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive. CECILY Oh, I am afraid I am. CHASUBLE That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism's pupil, I would hang upon her lips. (MISS PRISM glares) I spoke metaphorically. -- My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet? MISS PRISM We do not expect him till Monday afternoon. CHASUBLE Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-31 (MORE) accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer. MISS PRISM Egeria? My name is Laetitia, Doctor. CHASUBLE (bowing) A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong? MISS PRISM I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. CHASUBLE With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back. MISS PRISM That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side. Goes down the garden with DR. CHASUBLE. CECILY (picks up books and throws them back on table) Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! Enter MERRIMAN with a card on a salver. MERRIMAN Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him. CECILY (takes the card and reads it) 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town? MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment. CECILY Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-32 CHASUBLE (cont'd) CECILY I'm afraid I've no time, this afternoon. ALGERNON Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon? CECILY It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try. ALGERNON I will. I feel better already. CECILY You are looking a little worse. ALGERNON That is because I am hungry. CECILY How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. Won't you come in? ALGERNON Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first. CECILY A Marechal Niel? (Picks up scissors) ALGERNON No, I'd sooner have a pink rose. CECILY Why? (Cuts a flower) ALGERNON Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily. CECILY I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me. ALGERNON Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. (CECILY puts the rose in his buttonhole) You are the prettiest girl I ever saw. CECILY Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-35 ALGERNON They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in. CECILY Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about. They pass into the house. MISS PRISM and DR. CHASUBLE return. MISS PRISM You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand -- a womanthrope, never! CHASUBLE (with a scholar's shudder) Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony. MISS PRISM (sententiously) That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray. CHASUBLE But is a man not equally attractive when married? MISS PRISM No married man is ever attractive except to his wife. CHASUBLE And often, I've been told, not even to her. MISS PRISM That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green. (DR. CHASUBLE starts) I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily? CHASUBLE Perhaps she followed us to the schools. Enter JACK slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-36 MISS PRISM Mr. Worthing! CHASUBLE Mr. Worthing? MISS PRISM This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday afternoon. JACK (shakes Miss Prisim’s hand in a tragic manner) I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well? CHASUBLE Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity? JACK My brother. MISS PRISM More shameful debts and extravagance? CHASUBLE Still leading his life of pleasure? JACK (shaking his head) Dead! CHASUBLE Your brother Ernest dead? JACK Quite dead. MISS PRISM What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it. CHASUBLE Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers. JACK Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow. CHASUBLE Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-37 JACK Oh! I don't see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do? CHASUBLE Admirably! Admirably! (Takes out watch) And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. MISS PRISM This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. Enter CECILY from the house. CECILY Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them. MISS PRISM Cecily! CHASUBLE My child! my child! CECILY goes towards JACK; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner. CECILY What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? Your brother! JACK Who? CECILY Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago. JACK What nonsense! I haven't got a brother. CECILY Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to disown him. I'll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won't you, Uncle Jack? (Runs back into the house) CHASUBLE These are very joyful tidings. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-40 MISS PRISM After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing. JACK My brother is in the dining-room? I don't know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd. Enter ALGERNON and CECILY hand in hand. They come slowly up to JACK. JACK Good heavens! (Motions ALGERNON away) ALGERNON Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. JACK glares at him and does not take his hand. CECILY Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother's hand? JACK Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why. CECILY Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain. JACK Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he? CECILY Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health. JACK Bunbury! Well, I won't have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. ALGERNON Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-41 CECILY Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you. JACK Never forgive me? CECILY Never, never, never! JACK Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. (Shakes with ALGERNON and glares) CHASUBLE It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers together. MISS PRISM Cecily, you will come with us. CECILY Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over. CHASUBLE You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child. MISS PRISM We must not be premature in our judgments. CECILY I feel very happy. They all go off except JACK and ALGERNON. JACK You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don't allow any Bunburying here. Enter MERRIMAN. MERRIMAN I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right? JACK What? MERRIMAN Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-42 ALGERNON He's going to send me away. CECILY Then have we got to part? ALGERNON I am afraid so. It's a very painful parting. CECILY It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable. ALGERNON Thank you. Enter MERRIMAN. MERRIMAN The dog-cart is at the door, sir. ALGERNON looks appealingly at CECILY. CECILY It can wait, Merriman for... five minutes. MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. Exit MERRIMAN. ALGERNON I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection. CECILY I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary. (Goes over to table and begins writing in diary) ALGERNON Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at it. May I? CECILY Oh no. (Puts her hand over it) You see, it is simply a very young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-45 (MORE) order a copy. But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached 'absolute perfection'. You can go on. I am quite ready for more. ALGERNON (somewhat taken aback) Ahem! Ahem! CECILY Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't know how to spell a cough. (Writes as ALGERNON speaks) ALGERNON (speaking very rapidly) Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. CECILY I don't think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make much sense, does it? ALGERNON Cecily! Enter MERRIMAN. MERRIMAN The dog-cart is waiting, sir. ALGERNON Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour. MERRIMAN (looks at CECILY, who makes no sign) Yes, sir. MERRIMAN retires. CECILY Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour. ALGERNON Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won't you? CECILY You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for the last three months. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-46 CECILY (cont'd) ALGERNON For the last three months? CECILY Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday. ALGERNON But how did we become engaged? CECILY Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him, after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest. ALGERNON Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled? CECILY On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true lover's knot I promised you always to wear. ALGERNON Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it? CECILY Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters. (Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon) ALGERNON My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters. CECILY You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener. ALGERNON Oh, do let me read them, Cecily? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-47 CECILY Oh! ALGERNON I shan't be away more than half an hour. CECILY Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. Couldn't you make it twenty minutes? ALGERNON I'll be back in no time. Kisses her and rushes down the garden. CECILY What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary. Enter MERRIMAN. MERRIMAN A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states. CECILY Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library? MERRIMAN Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago. CECILY Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea. MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. (Goes out) CECILY Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London. I don't quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so forward of them. Enter MERRIMAN. MERRIMAN Miss Fairfax. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-50 Enter GWENDOLEN. Exit MERRIMAN. CECILY (advancing to meet her) Pray let me introduce myself to you. My name is Cecily Cardew. GWENDOLEN Cecily Cardew? (Moving to her and shaking hands) What a very sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first impressions of people are never wrong. CECILY How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down. GWENDOLEN (still standing up) I may call you Cecily, may I not? CECILY With pleasure! GWENDOLEN And you will always call me Gwendolen, won't you? CECILY If you wish. GWENDOLEN Then that is all quite settled, is it not? CECILY I hope so. A pause. They both sit down together. GWENDOLEN Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never heard of papa, I suppose? CECILY I don't think so. GWENDOLEN Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-51 (MORE) becomes painfully effeminate, does he not? And I don't like that. It makes men so very attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my glasses? CECILY Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked at. GWENDOLEN (after examining CECILY carefully through a lorgnette) You are here on a short visit, I suppose. CECILY Oh no! I live here. GWENDOLEN (severely) Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also? CECILY Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations. GWENDOLEN Indeed? CECILY My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me. GWENDOLEN Your guardian? CECILY Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward. GWENDOLEN Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. (Rising and going to her) I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were -- well, just a little older than you seem to be -- and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly -- CECILY Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-52 GWENDOLEN (cont'd) GWENDOLEN (satirically) I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different. Enter MERRIMAN, followed by the FOOTMAN. He carries a salver, table cloth, and plate stand. CECILY is about to retort. The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe. MERRIMAN Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss? CECILY (sternly, in a calm voice) Yes, as usual. MERRIMAN begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. CECILY and GWENDOLEN glare at each other. GWENDOLEN Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew? CECILY Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties. GWENDOLEN Five counties! I don't think I should like that; I hate crowds. CECILY (sweetly) I suppose that is why you live in town? GWENDOLEN bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol. GWENDOLEN (looking round) Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew. CECILY So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax. GWENDOLEN I had no idea there were any flowers in the country. CECILY Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-55 GWENDOLEN Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores me to death. CECILY Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax? GWENDOLEN (with elaborate politeness) Thank you. (Aside) Detestable girl! But I require tea! CECILY (sweetly) Sugar? GWENDOLEN (superciliously) No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more. CECILY looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup. CECILY (severely) Cake or bread and butter? GWENDOLEN (in a bored manner) Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays. CECILY (cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray) Hand that to Miss Fairfax. MERRIMAN does so, and goes out with FOOTMAN. GWENDOLEN drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in indignation. GWENDOLEN You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-56 (MORE) the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far. CECILY (rising) To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go. GWENDOLEN From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right. CECILY It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood. Enter JACK. GWENDOLEN (catching sight of him) Ernest! My own Ernest! JACK Gwendolen! Darling! (Offers to kiss her) GWENDOLEN (draws back) A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady? (Points to CECILY) JACK (laughing) To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head? GWENDOLEN Thank you. You may! (Offers her cheek) CECILY (very sweetly) I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing. GWENDOLEN I beg your pardon? THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-57 GWENDOLEN (cont'd) life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future. CECILY (surprised) No brother at all? JACK (cheerily) None! GWENDOLEN (severely) Had you never a brother of any kind? JACK (pleasantly) Never. Not even of an kind. GWENDOLEN I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one. CECILY It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it? GWENDOLEN Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there. CECILY No, men are so cowardly, aren't they? They retire into the house with scornful looks. JACK This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose? ALGERNON Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life. JACK Well, you've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here. ALGERNON That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that. JACK Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens! THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-60 JACK (cont'd) ALGERNON Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature. JACK Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won't be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too. ALGERNON Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack? You won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either. JACK As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward. ALGERNON I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. JACK I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her. ALGERNON Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her. JACK There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew. ALGERNON I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united. JACK Well, that is no business of yours. ALGERNON If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. (Begins to eat muffins) It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-61 JACK How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless. ALGERNON Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them. JACK I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances. ALGERNON When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. (Rising) JACK (rising) Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. (Takes muffins from ALGERNON) ALGERNON (offering tea-cake) I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don't like tea- cake. JACK Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden. ALGERNON But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins. JACK I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing. ALGERNON That may be. But the muffins are the same. (He seizes the muffin-dish from JACK) JACK Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST II-62 THIRD ACT SCENE: Morning-room at the Manor House. GWENDOLEN and CECILY are at the window, looking out into the garden. GWENDOLEN The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left. CECILY They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance. GWENDOLEN (after a pause) They don't seem to notice us at all. Couldn't you cough? CECILY But I haven't got a cough. GWENDOLEN They're looking at us. What effrontery! CECILY They're approaching. That's very forward of them. GWENDOLEN Let us preserve a dignified silence. CECILY Certainly. It's the only thing to do now. Enter JACK followed by ALGERNON. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera. GWENDOLEN This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-65 CECILY A most distasteful one. GWENDOLEN But we will not be the first to speak. CECILY Certainly not. GWENDOLEN Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply. CECILY Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian's brother? ALGERNON In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you. CECILY (to GWENDOLEN) That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not? GWENDOLEN Yes, dear, if you can believe him. CECILY I don't. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer. GWENDOLEN True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible? JACK Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax? GWENDOLEN I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. (Moving to CECILY) Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing's. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it. CECILY I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-66 GWENDOLEN Then you think we should forgive them? CECILY Yes. I mean no. GWENDOLEN True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one. CECILY Could we not both speak at the same time? GWENDOLEN An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me? CECILY Certainly. GWENDOLEN beats time with uplifted finger. GWENDOLEN AND CECILY (speaking together) Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all! JACK AND ALGERNON (speaking together) Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon. GWENDOLEN (to JACK) For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing? JACK I am. CECILY (to ALGERNON) To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal? ALGERNON I am! GWENDOLEN How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-67 JACK That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. LADY BRACKNELL bows coldly to CECILY. ALGERNON I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta. LADY BRACKNELL I beg your pardon? CECILY Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell. LADY BRACKNELL (with a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down) I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus. JACK looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself. JACK (in a clear, cold voice) Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B. LADY BRACKNELL That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity? JACK I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell. LADY BRACKNELL (grimly) I have known strange errors in that publication. JACK Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-70 LADY BRACKNELL Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby's is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied. JACK (very irritably) How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew's birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety. LADY BRACKNELL Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of premature experiences. (Rises, looks at her watch) Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune? JACK Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you. LADY BRACKNELL (sitting down again) A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces. (To CECILY) Come over here, dear. (CECILY goes across) Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her. JACK And after six months nobody knew her. LADY BRACKNELL (glares at JACK for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to CECILY) Kindly turn round, sweet child. (CECILY turns completely round) THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-71 (MORE) No, the side view is what I want. (CECILY presents her profile) Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon! ALGERNON Yes, Aunt Augusta! LADY BRACKNELL There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew's profile. ALGERNON Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don't care twopence about social possibilities. LADY BRACKNELL Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can't get into it do that. (To CECILY) Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent. ALGERNON Thank you, Aunt Augusta. LADY BRACKNELL Cecily, you may kiss me! CECILY (kisses her) Thank you, Lady Bracknell. LADY BRACKNELL You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future. CECILY Thank you, Aunt Augusta. LADY BRACKNELL The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon. ALGERNON Thank you, Aunt Augusta. CECILY Thank you, Aunt Augusta. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-72 LADY BRACKNELL (cont'd) CECILY I don't know, Mr. Moncrieff. LADY BRACKNELL My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five -- a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature -- I would beg of you to reconsider your decision. JACK But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward. LADY BRACKNELL (rising and drawing herself up) You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question. JACK Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to. LADY BRACKNELL That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. (Pulls out her watch) Come, dear, (GWENDOLEN rises) we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform. Enter DR. CHASUBLE. CHASUBLE Everything is quite ready for the christenings. LADY BRACKNELL The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature? CHASUBLE (looking rather puzzled, and pointing to JACK and ALGERNON) Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism. LADY BRACKNELL At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-75 CHASUBLE Am I to understand then that there are to he no christenings at all this afternoon? JACK I don't think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble. CHASUBLE I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry. LADY BRACKNELL (starting) Miss Prism! Did I bear you mention a Miss Prism? CHASUBLE Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her. LADY BRACKNELL Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education? CHASUBLE (somewhat indignantly) She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability. LADY BRACKNELL It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position she holds in your household? CHASUBLE (severely) I am a celibate, madam. JACK (interposing) Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued companion. LADY BRACKNELL In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-76 CHASUBLE (looking off) She approaches; she is nigh. Enter MISS PRISM hurriedly. MISS PRISM I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters. (Catches sight of LADY BRACKNELL, who has fixed her with a stony glare. MISS PRISM grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape) LADY BRACKNELL (in a severe, judicial voice) Prism! (MISS PRISM bows her head in shame) Come here, Prism! (MISS PRISM approaches in a humble manner) Prism! Where is that baby? (General consternation. The CANON starts back in horror. ALGERNON and JACK pretend to be anxious to shield CECILY and GWENDOLEN from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal) Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell's house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three- volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. (MISS PRISM starts in involuntary indignation) But the baby was not there! (Every one looks at MISS PRISM) Prism! Where is that baby? A pause. MISS PRISM Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-77 JACK Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for men, and another for women? Mother, I forgive you. (Tries to embrace her again) MISS PRISM (still more indignant) Mr. Worthing, there is some error. (Pointing to LADY BRACKNELL) There is the lady who can tell you who you really are. JACK (after a pause) Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am? LADY BRACKNELL I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon's elder brother. JACK Algy's elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I knew I had a brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily, -- how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother? (Seizes hold of ALGERNON) Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future. You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life. ALGERNON Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. I did my best, however, though I was out of practice. Shakes hands. GWENDOLEN (to JACK) My own! But what own are you? What is your Christian name, now that you have become some one else? JACK Good heavens!... I had quite forgotten that point. Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose? GWENDOLEN I never change, except in my affections. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-80 CECILY What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen! JACK Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already? LADY BRACKNELL Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents. JACK Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was I given? Let me know the worst. LADY BRACKNELL Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father. JACK (irritably) Yes, but what was my father's Christian name? LADY BRACKNELL (meditatively) I cannot at the present moment recall what the General's Christian name was. But I have no doubt he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind. JACK Algy! Can't you recollect what our father's Christian name was? ALGERNON My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He died before I was a year old. JACK His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta? LADY BRACKNELL The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory. JACK The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These delightful records should have been my constant study. (Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out) M. Generals... Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-81 (MORE) they have -- Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff! Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John. (Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly) I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn't I? Well, it is Ernest after all. I mean it naturally is Ernest. LADY BRACKNELL Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name. GWENDOLEN Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the first that you could have no other name! JACK Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me? GWENDOLEN I can. For I feel that you are sure to change. JACK My own one! CHASUBLE (to MISS PRISM) Laetitia! (Embraces her) MISS PRISM (enthusiastically) Frederick! At last! ALGERNON Cecily! (Embraces her) At last! JACK Gwendolen! (Embraces her) At last! LADY BRACKNELL My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST III-82 JACK (cont'd)